Work revisited

For three and a half years, I taught English at a semi-rural therefore not quite urban government school ..... I should've gone to one far in the rural areas .... I could have taken my students to the jungle or the river and learned about nature instead ....

And when they muck about looking for ideas to write in their compositions, I could sit under a tree, have a little picnic, and daydream with a smile, "Aah, this is the life ...."

And when we go back to the school, I would write in my record book: "Teaching and learning successful. Students had a blast. And they learned a great deal, too." .... and then come up with some other bullshit for the next day's lesson plan .... Most probably the principal wouldn't check my record book anyway, or wouldn't even bother .....

The thing is, I was, and still am, a lousy teacher .... When in school, I'd rather be anywhere but the classroom .... I'd rather go to one of those out-of-school meetings, not because I enjoy meeting teachers from other school, but simply just wanting to be out of school, or most importantly, to be out of the classroom ..... and that was my biggest problem .....

When I was in class, I always put up an act ..... I'd be writing something on the board, and explaining whatever horseshit I wrote to the students while thinking "What the hell am I doing here? Do I know what I'm talking about? And for the love of God, what is that boy doing under his table?"

.... And at that moment, it was with irony in full force that my mind went back to a time when I was a senior in high school, sitting at the desk looking at my Maths teacher trying to explain himself to the class while all I did was stare at the booger hanging precariously out of his conk (ladies & gentlemen, this really happened) and thought, "That is the very, very last thing I want to be caught doing" .....

And so while I was in class, teaching, or rather tried to, that thought repeatedly came to mind ..... I felt it was the worst joke ever played on me - becoming a teacher ..... It isn't so much the idea of teaching I dislike, it is the fact that there I was, a great disbeliever, trying to teach a bunch of impressionable kids, on how to walk the straight and narrow ..... when deep down, I really didn't care ..... and so the joke became uglier and uglier .....

It slowly ate me from the inside out ..... I'd go into class, and tried looking at my students in the eye .... but the more I looked at them, the more I felt the pain ..... and to add to that, there were these managerial tasks that I needed, or rather had to deal with .... I had headache, heartache, and heartburn .... literally .... I developed gastrointestinal problems which has persisted until today whenever I get stressed up .... I started not going into class every chance I could get .... I hated myself, or rather what I had become ..... so I left ...

And during my jobless period, the thought had crossed my mind, "Why oh why did I quit before I could find another job that's more to my liking?" ..... But that would mean looking and searching and smashing my head against a wall, at the same time disgust and apathy gradually eating me from the inside out until I become a zombie .....

Then the students would come up to me and ask what's wrong, and I would look at them, or rather through them, and then just walk away ...... This didn't happen to me 'coz I got out in time, but it happened to my former colleague who became my best friend ..... and although I'm making sweeping statements here, I don't think I'm far from the truth when I say that this mental malaise is happening to a great number of teachers in this country .......

It's like what Red in The Shawshank Redemption says, "First you hate it, then you get used to it ... enough time passes, you become dependent on it" ..... which is true, ask any government school teacher what they think of their working life, if you can call it a life, and you'll get this answer ...... at least, that's how I saw it when I felt I was stuck in this dead-end job ...... There is something seriously wrong with the system ..... and frankly, I don't give a damn ......

Of course, only after I left the system, I realize I did have a choice of not entering it in the first place ( I thought I didn't 'coz I signed a death warrant with the government, or else one hell of a penalty to pay ) ...... Of course, this new-found wisdom only came after many a painful lesson at making horrible decisions in life about life ......

And what I've learned is that I'm still growing ...... I realize, with gravity and a sense of hope, the fact that I'm still in that process means that I know it's never the end .......... So now if I do get a job, I have to find something about it that I like ..... I have to put aside the fact that it might take away a bit of my life, I have to put aside the mundane day-in-day-out existence, I am the one who has to find meaning in doing it, and not the work giving meaning to my life .....