The Biggest Regret and The Biggest Fear ...

Okay, so I've mentioned it on my other blog ... This year marks the 15th year since I had my psychotic episode ... I had a relapse in 2009 and 2014, so this year makes it the fifth year from my second relapse .. I am concerned as the days edge closer and closer to the timeframe when I suddenly experience lack of sleep and intense brain activity ...

And as unfortunate luck might have it, the fates decided that I should have a brand new crush ... It's another Hollywood hunk and it is not important who he is ... But, he has had an impact on my sleeping pattern as of late ... Every night for the last few days, I have missed much of sleep daydreaming about him ... What has gotten worse is that I believe him to be the man I met at Nice 22 years ago ... How could that be? He's a Hollywood actor, right? ... Well, 22 years ago, I believe he hadn't landed himself in Hollywood yet, so it is quite possible that he might be the one ...

But, the danger of believing this man to be the one I met all those years ago is that I'm setting myself up for a breakdown ... A sudden adverse reaction to a huge emotional let-down will trigger an episode ... I remember quite clearly the trigger that set off my last relapse and it was seeing that Scientology had sneaked its way back into my life ... I had an adverse reaction and it spiraled downwards from there ...

So, this time I'm having this crush and I've created this fantasy of this man as being the one I met at Nice in that summer of '97 ... I so very much want to believe that that is the case, but the logical and realistic part of my brain won't allow it ... It's quite possible that that part of my brain is the one that went haywire and all destructive ...

At the same time, I have been forgetting to take my medication ... Please believe me when I say that it is not intentional ... Believe me, why in the world would I want to fall into another psychotic relapse? It is the very last thing I want to happen ...

But, even if this man is not that man I met in Nice, I so very much want to meet him ... Crazy, isn't it? ...

So, the question is, what happened 22 years ago in the summer of '97 in Nice? That is between me and that man ...

While doing work, came across this ... Chris Evans is a forum contributor! And possibly a blog owner ... Nah, not into politics ...

First posted 1 July 2017

Update

I have this weird thing going on with Leonardo DiCaprio ... First up, he doesn't know me, I don't know him ... What I have here is just an imaginary relationship with most probably just a regular guy who so happens to be a famous movie star ...

However, this imaginary relationship has gotten to a point where I now believe that he reads my blogs and to an extent, even my one social media account ... Like that were really to happen ... How has it gotten to this? Well, it all started when I saw Leonardo DiCaprio in a dream several years ago ... Now, before I had that dream, I never even gave DiCaprio a thought ... When I first watched him in Titanic more than 20 years ago, I never swooned or anything like that ... That goes for the rest of the movies I have watched him in ... Until I had that stupid dream ... When I woke up, I just went, "Why in the world was Leonardo DiCaprio in my dream?" ... For days I went thinking about it ... It got to a point that I decided I would dedicate a blog post to him, on my other blog ... And it went snowballing from there ...

Leonardo DiCaprio to me has become from a so-so looking guy whose acting I think is just average to this hot-looking hunk with Oscar-worthy acting chops ...

Truth be told, if it could really happen, all I want is just to be friends with Leo ... I don't think we can get married because he has to convert and I don't want that and I think neither does he ... Yes, I daydream about getting married to Leo DiCaprio ... So what, I'm only human ... A very lonely human female in need of a reality check ... The story of my life ...

Anyway, if you are indeed reading this, Leo, or Mr DiCaprio, please just think of me as one of those fans who have silly ideas about you, like the rest of them ... I do not mean to make you uncomfortable in any way, shape or form ... I exist outside the periphery of your world where I will remain ... Your star is as bright as the ones shining the universe, if not brighter, and hopefully it will remain that way for years to come ...

Hunky Hollywood Actor Fantasies reviewed ...

Image taken from: http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/217597/open_letter_to_michael_rosenbaum_.html

Posted on 19 May 2006

I like this guy ... I really like this guy ... In fact, I want to marry him ... me and the other million salivating fans out there ... but the minute, the very minute I say that, I know for a fact that I could never date him, or the likes of him ...

It's not that I'm ugly, or unlikeable, though some people have called me weird ... I look at myself in the mirror in the morning and say "Hey, I do have boobs" ... Yes, I do suffer from poor confidence now and then, but it is not because of that that I turn around and say that I could never date this gorgeous hunk or all the other gorgeous hunks out there ...

The thing is, I'm beginning to wonder about this fixation I have with gorgeous hunks ... The question about the inner desire ... The search for the ultimate male role model ... Actually, Michael here isn't a bad role model - He's into sports, charity, and plays cool characters ...

Okay, let's get back on track here ... What is it with me and gorgeous hunks?! Why do I need to define myself by dating one? ... Is it because I want women to turn around and envy me? (YES) ... Hmmm, that could be one of the many reasons ... You know, I could really delve into my mind and come up with a lot of junk, so rather not go into that ... For now, I'll just be contented with the fact that I will forever have all these Hollywood hunky actors' fantasies ... and at the present, it's Michael Rosenbaum ...
So, here's to you, Michael - I wish you all the best in your future projects and you will most definitely get the woman you love, cherish, respect and protect til the end of your days together ... *long sigh* ... "Lucky bitch" ...

Updated post

Erm, of course I'm no longer into Michael Rosenbaum ... No offense, Michael, you're a cool guy ... Don't sweat the big stuff, y'know ...

I have a hang-up with Leonardo DiCaprio now and then, but I think he's cool ...

Seriously, the questions I ask above still apply ... 

Oh, what about Ren, huh? Well, I f**king left that place last month, and am still thinking whether I should visit them or not ... Maybe once I get a cushy job, then I can lord it over them, and Ren would wish, "Why didn't I choose that much older confident woman in the first place?" ... You're a f**king idiot, in the first place, that's why ... No, you're just too immature for me, Ren ... I see the potential in you to be a really responsible person ... To grow into the kind of man I hope to marry ... But, Time works miracles ... In ten years, you'd probably be mature enough, but I'd be too old for babies ... That's a miracle actually because I am not too sure whether I want to have children or not ... Matters of jodoh I leave to God, for it is God's work after all ...

For some reason, I just like to find trouble with this hot, Hollywood hunk ...

What I said in the comments is: Apparently, this bug is near my backyard, so to speak ... If I ever find one, I'm gonna crush it to bits and say a eulogy, "Here lies Leonardo DiCaprio ... Shame really" ... 😂😂😂 ...

I'm done with aerosol sprays ... Wait, I still use aerosol sprays ... F**k ...

Well, I'm out of a job for the time being, so this really cheered me up when I opened my FB this morning ... Even if it's not really him, but his team, well, just think about it, Leonardo DiCaprio's team notices me!!! ...

Frankly speaking, I don't even know if our overuse of aerosol sprays affects the ozone layer at the Antarctic Circle ... I do know it affects the one at the Arctic Circle ...

Story ideas (Maybe Part I???) ...

WORKING TITLE: Driving with Leonardo DiCaprio

What is the strongest motivation for a person  like Leonardo DiCaprio to let a young woman who could or could not be his biggest fan drive with him all night?

When I have an answer to this, then I have a story ...

Leonardo DiCaprio is a douchebag megalomaniac Hollywood movie star. He'd do anything to get a woman in his pants, including letting an intelligent but naive young woman who could or could not be his biggest fan drive with him all night.

Topical, but should be a comedy ...

WORKING TITLE: Tom Hanks and the Muslim Lady

The Climax

THE PLANE EXPERIENCES ENGINE FAILURE. THE CHIEF PILOT WARNS. EMERGENCY PROCEDURES ARE IN PLACE. TOM HANKS AND THE MUSLIM LADY ARE NOW IN A POSITION WITH THEIR ARMS HUGGING THEIR KNEES IN THEIR SEATS, INHALING IN SHORT BREATHS FROM THEIR BREATHING APPARATUS.

Tom Hanks: *with tears in his eyes* I don't wanna die ... not like this ...

Muslim Lady: *with a choke in her voice, but no tears* Me, too ...

TH: Can't your god do something about it?

ML: This is God doing something about it.

TH: What?! That we all die this way?

ML: No, that we remember the things in our past and ask for forgiveness.

TH RECALLS PHONE CONVERSATIONS WITH WIFE RITA WILSON. FLASHBACK SCENE.

TH: I'm sorry ... I'm sorry, Rita.

ML: Tell that to her when the plane lands.

TH: How the fuck do you know we're gonna survive?!

ML: Insya-Allah, which means God-willing.

TH LOOKS AT ML. AFTER A SHORT WHILE, HE PROFFERS HER A HAND. ML LOOKS AT THE PROFERRED HAND, THEN AT TH. AFTER A BRIEF MOMENT, ML TAKES TH'S HAND. THE PLANE TAKES A DIVE. THEY BOTH GRIP EACH OTHER'S HAND.

Love, Friendship, Jodoh & Pertemuan Part II ...

Well, Girl meets Boy ... Girl finds qualities that are attractive in Boy ... Girl develops sort of 'feelings' for Boy ... Boy falls for another Girl ... Typical ... Girl still hopeful of finding True Love, or her soulmate ...

Yeah ... So I've worked for a few weeks at my new job ... One of my co-workers happens to be a boy 21 years my junior ... Let's call him Ren ... There is nothing at all spectacular about him in terms of looks ... He's barely taller than I am, and mind you, I'm between 150cm and 155cm ... He has a rather pimply face, albeit rather a baby-faced look ...Really, I would not have given him a second look even five years ago ... But, four years ago, I had a second relapse, and the worst of the three psychotic episodes, which changed my perspective on everything, even my faith ...

So, back to Ren ... In the first few days, I just saw him as a co-worker ... Then, I began to observe his characteristics and/or personality ... One, he is kind ... If you think Kindness is over-rated, think again ... Above all the qualities that in my opinion one should look for is kindness ... Kindness to others, kindness to all creatures large and small, kindness to the planet, and so on ... I'm not such a good judge of character, but I feel that Ren's brand of kindness is not the pretentious kind ... He will go out of his way to ensure that if I ever need his help, he would try his best to do so ... Which brings to the second quality in him that I find attractive: Thoughtfulness ... I could observe his kindness and thoughtfulness in the way he taught me how to do table service, for example ... He doesn't raise his voice, he is gentle, he makes sure I understand what to do before he moves on to the next lesson ...

But, above all, he is responsible, something which is a rare quality to find in a man so early in his age ... Even a number of men who have reached their 40s are still irresponsible ... Ren's sense of responsibility is shown in the way he would turn up for work, even though he had little sleep the night before ... Most people his age, men and women, would turn up, like, an hour later, or not at all ... And then, he would show up on his off days and help around with the cafe bar or the cake counter ... I don't know whether he's just hardworking, which is an admirable quality in itself, or he doesn't have a life, which is weird since he's at an age where all they want to do is enjoy life and not work ... Well, maybe not all Millennials are like this, but I'm sure some are ...

Then, I noticed that I had become attracted to him ... In the space of two weeks, Ren turned from just a short, pimply-faced co-worker to HOT HUNK WHOSE MOUTH I WANT TO SUCK OFF HIS FACE ...

This brings me to an earlier post entitled Love, Friendship, Jodoh & Pertemuan ... If you care to read that post, you will find that I have tried to define what Love is ... Well, this is what I think Falling In Love is ... It has nothing to do with your heart beating fast every single time you lock eyes with your crush ... It has nothing at all to do with sexual tension ... It is simply finding qualities that you find attractive in a person, which can happen in a matter of days, and finding that in the end, you become attracted to that person ... Then, the hot and heavy feeling comes, and then you find you can't get enough of that whiff of cheap cologne he uses every time he passes by you, and that's the end of you ... Unless you do something about it ...

In my case, I performed the Solat Sunat Istikharah as mentioned in a previous post ... Something about whether I should quit a certain job or not ... Well, if I'm not mistaken, in that selfsame post, I also mentioned that the Solat Sunat Istikharah can also be performed if you are trying to decide if person A is a potential partner ... Well, that's what I did ... Insya-Allah, I prayed for seven nights ... While I performed the special prayer, I wrote to Ren ... I mentioned how I felt about him, but I added that whatever happens, I wanted us to remain friends ... What I did not add is that how I truly felt about him ... After performing the Solat Sunat Istikharah, I feel that God wants me to be patient ... After all, this is a 21-year-old strapping young man ... He has not experienced life the way that I have ... But, if I am patient, God will surely grant my wish: that Ren is after all The One ... My soulmate ... Somebody who barely speaks English, has nothing much in common in me and not good-looking at all ... Do I care about all these things anyway? Like I said, the second relapse really changed my perspective, including finding a significant other ... I believe that in my heart of hearts, with recent events leading up to my meeting to Ren, are not coincidental ... This is an act of God ... God wanted me to meet him and get to know him ... All I need is patience, which if you have been following, you will know that is the one quality I lack ... But, I try my best, Insya-Allah ...

Oh, did I mention about the Other Girl? ... Yes, Ren and I may have become friends ... Yes, I may have Jodoh with Ren ... But, Allah wants to show me that while this is possible, only He knows what is best for me ... Another girl came in a day after me, and immediately he showed interest in that girl ... To say that I had not been hit by pangs of jealousy every single time I saw him talking to that girl in a rather intimate way (yes, while at work) would be a big f**king lie ... But, I am the mature one here, so I moved on ... But not the hot and heavy feelings ... Oh yes, I imagine making love to Ren countless times while furtively looking at him across the service floor while he is at the barista's or the cake counter ... I can't get enough of that cheap cologne he uses ... I imagine kissing him passionately and telling him how long I have waited for someone like him ... I think I AM IN LOVE, the operative word here being 'think' ...

So, like a week after I gave him that letter, I just couldn't hold back the hot and heavy feeling ... I had to let it out ... So, I asked Ren to come to a corner because I didn't want anyone to hear (but probably the whole restaurant crew knew already), and so with much difficulty, I told Ren that the letter I gave him was indeed a love letter ... That was all I could manage ... Shortly after that, he pulled me aside to a corner, and the stupid assistant manager had to be there as well, and he told me that he and The Other Girl were already an item ... I told him that I already knew this (but deep down I just didn't want to accept this) ... And that was it ... Was my heart broken? ... In a way, it did, but the pain was brief, like getting an injection ... You'd feel a slight pain, but after that, it was alright ... The assistant manager started saying things like love, like everything else in this world, is not real ... The assistant manager is into this bullshit Zen philosophy stuff, while I, as you know, am a Muslim who believes in Fate and Predestination ... I believe up to today that Ren and I were fated to meet, but only God knows the reason ... I performed the Solat Sunat Istikharah, and my heart told me to just express my feelings for Ren, and that's what I did ...

The point is, there are only three qualities that I look for in a man: Kindness (which encompasses all other positive qualities); Morally Upright and has Faith or 'Iman' in his heart ... The  setback is that Ren is not a Muslim, and that is why, after performing the Solat Sunat Istikharah, my heart is telling me to be patient ... For God only gives His 'hidayah' (guidance)  to those He chooses ... Yes, God wanted to show me that I had, or perhaps still have (never say no), Jodoh with Ren ... He and The Other Girl may end up with each other ... Then again, it may go the other way around ... What I am trying to tell here, with much difficulty, is never to give up ... I have come to a place in my life that giving out positive energy is so much more fulfilling than moaning on and on about the meaning of life, and that positive energy, my friends, comes from God ...

Maybe I'm in denial ... But, the thing is, right now I don't feel the way I might have felt 20 years ago had I expressed my feelings for somebody I like ... I guess what I am feeling right now is disappointment ... It is not easy, especially for a homebody like me, to find someone that I really like ... I don't go out and meet men at, I don't know, some f**king bar ... I only meet them in my endless job-hopping journey ... I think I mentioned about getting registered with a dating website, right, which 'robbed' me of quality money ...

You'd think why in the world am I putting all my faith in God? I think I've said enough about my faith ... I don't question, I just practise ... But, if you really want to know why I put absolute faith in God, it is because in His own way, He is guiding me to the Straight Path, and I have to believe that everything that has happened in my life, good and bad, has shaped me into what I am now ... So, Love has yet to come my way, which is why I should continue with my 'tawakal' towards Allah ... I have not given up ... I have hit rock bottom three times, and every time I re-surfaced, I am now stronger than I was the last time ... Is that not a good enough reason to believe in a Higher Power? ...

So, I guess it's back to daydreaming about Hollywood Hunks ... Come to think of it, Ren looks a little bit like Lucas Till ... So, here's looking at you, Lucas ;P ...

My very first crush ....

Well, as you may know ... My latest celebrity crush is on Tom Hiddleston ... When I look at him closely, it's not that he has this classic good looks like, say, Brad Pitt ... But, there's a certain charm, and to an extent, charisma, to Tom Hiddleston ... Anyway, I've developed a crush on him while watching one too many Thor The Dark World, and absolutely love his role as Loki in that one ... Why have I watched one too many Thor The Dark World? ... It's actually connected to my third psychotic episode, that's all I'm gonna say ... To explain what really happened would be like opening a wound, and I'd rather not go there ...

Anyway, I'm here to talk about my very first crush ... The one I had when I was sixteen ... I've been going through my entries for this blog, and found that I sort of promised to write up an entry on my very first crush when I was talking about someone else ... So, here it is ...

Let's call my very first crush Y, shall we? ... Y stands for his surname, as he is Chinese ... I was introduced to Y when my Form Four English teacher asked me to join the debate team ... Y wasn't this good looking guy which every girl in the school would have a crush on ... He had a nice smile, and he wasn't very tall ... But, he was ever so polite ... He would ask how I was every time we met up ... Actually I don't really remember this, but I'm sure he did ask how I was every time we met up ... He seemed genuinely concerned with my well-being ... And from then onward, I developed this crush that was slow in the making but grew into something I couldn't control ...

This was such a long time ago that I don't remember most of what happened ... All that I remember is that I looked forward to every debate session we had so that I would meet Y ... But, Y was not only captain of the debate team, he was also head prefect and head librarian ... He was a busy guy, so he wasn't around every debate session ... I remember feeling crushed, in a manner of speaking, when I didn't meet him ... I think the only reason I went along with being in the debate team was just so I could meet Y, otherwise I was scared shit of making a public speech ... My English teacher made me the reserve member ... I think she only chose me because my English was, well, not too bad ...

I started writing these silly little letters to Y, explaining to him at length how I felt about him ... Actually, it's just that one letter ... I waited for the longest time to get a reply from him ... But, it seemed as if he avoided me after getting said letter ... I asked Z, one of the debating team's member, what happened to Y? Z was a prefect, and I am sure to this day that he had Y's back, meaning he wouldn't really be totally honest with me as to the whereabouts of Y ... But, the school wasn't that big, and there was no way that Y could avoid me any longer ... Finally, I did meet him, but, hmmm, here is where memory is a little fuzzy ...

I don't remember exactly what he said ... I think he didn't say anything to me ... I think he just shrugged off the fact that I wrote to him a heart-wrenching letter pouring out all my love to him ... What can you expect really? I was sixteen, and he was seventeen ... Maybe he didn't know what to say to me ... Maybe he saw me as the sister he never had (Y has two brothers) ... Whatever it was, I was heartbroken ... I was, in a word, crushed ...

Y went to Singapore after getting really good results for his SPM ... He enrolled at a prestigious university there ... And you know what, he started writing letters to me ... I don't remember the contents of those letters, but I can tell you that I still keep them ... Yup, to this day, I still have the letters that Y wrote to me in his university days ...

Last I heard of him is that he is married ... I met his brother at a bus stop several years ago, who told me about him being married and all ... C'est La Vie ...