Nobody likes a people pleaser, take it from me ....
I was just about to start this post by saying "Some of the greatest writers produced their best work before they committed suicide, and a lot of these writers are probably people pleaser" ... But before I had the chance to write that piece of sacrosanct shit, my best friend in the whole wide world commented on the post below, saving me in time ...
The truth of the matter is, I feel really shitty right now, and thanks, but no thanks that another good friend had to point that out ... that I'm feeling miserable .... Some good friend, eh? ... You don't have to point it out ... I know, but do you know how it is to feel pain? And not see any sign of physical injury whatsoever? ... I know what this friend is going to say ... He's just going to go off tandem into one of his own profound ramblings, and I'd be left confused myself ... He's going to say either, "I know exactly how that feels, to feel pain and not see signs of injury" and then on and on about something else, or "Chill ..." .... What am I doing, now I'm ranting on my own friend here ....
Yes, it definitely has everything to do with work, or to be more precise, with the people I work with right now ... I just keep thinking, "Why the hell can't I be confident around these people?" ... More importantly, "What is so bad about them that I can't be myself??" ...
The thing is, I just couldn't care less about meeting people's expectations anymore ... I'm just tired of it ... And the thing is, these people don't really see that I take these sort of things seriously ... But I've had this pointed out to me for as long as I can remember: "You just take things so seriously" ... Yeah, but is it a crime?? 'Coz if it is, just put me in jail or something, therefore stopping me from doing something completely stupid like killing myself over it, why dontcha?? ...
It's times like this when I feel like I want to run away ... Just run, you know ... Just run, and run, and run ... And never look back, and just keep going at it ...
My colleague and I had a chat just now ... And she pointed out what I have known about myself for so long ... That I have a confidence issue ................. Like, duh ... But, at least after working there for almost eight months now, and knowing her up to this point, I really appreciated the fact that she was totally frank with me on this, to which I have told exactly that to her ...
I can't say that I don't like these people .... It's not a matter of like and dislike ....... It's just a matter of me having to remind myself time and again, that at the end of the day, we are all on the same team ... But can I just add something here? If one team player goes down, don't you think that the rest of the team will go down, too? ... Or rather, should go down, too? ...
Because every single time I make a mistake, I feel like they leave me floundering there like an idiot .... My colleague pointed out to me of what she has noticed of me so far, not exactly verbatim: " .. that every time you need to explain yourself, you get flustered, and people get confused of what you're trying to say" .... I have to agree with her on that .... But I wanted her to point out another thing (which of course she didn't): "Why are you not confident enough to explain yourself? Has it got something to do with us?" ....
The thing is, and she was kind enough (or vicious, depending) to point out that she suffers from it at times ... And what I really wanted to say to her, but just didn't have the confidence, is that we all have a confidence issue .... All of us ... Heck, the Palestinians and the Israelis, too ... But, some people, like my colleague, and the Israelis, are so good at shielding themselves from letting people know the truth, that they're in fact not confident with themselves, while some people, like me, and the Palestinians, are just bloody awful at faking confidence .... There you go, I've just made a biased political statement ... Bear in my mind, I can only do this in writing, I'm not confident enough to explain this verbally without getting flustered, and as a result, making people confused, and concluding that I have fundamental, terrorist thinking ....
One thing that I can think of, to explain why I'm unable to coherently tie my strings of sentences together, and make sense, is because I feel these people just don't have the patience to listen to me .... I know I'm long-winded, and in the press, I guess you can't be long-winded, and time is of the essence ....
And if I can't make it with these people, I can't make it elsewhere in the media ...
And this all really start with the fact that I'm a people pleaser ... Probably that's why I couldn't hold their respect ...
Wait a rat's ass minute, I look at myself in the mirror now and then, and see a not-so-incompetent person staring back ... That's it, I have made one of Brainjuice's Ultimate Decisions ... The people I work with right now, the immediate people I work with right now, they are not bad, hideous people, but they will not be allowed to enter BJ's friendship club ... Nevertheless, I would not mind working with them, if only just to forward myself in this industry ... See, I have my motives, too ...
It's late, I'm tired ... I need sleep, but knowing how my brain works, I'll never be able to sleep well .... Sleep, in fact, has eluded me .... Either I sleep too little, or too much ... Now I even have this tiny irritable bump on the corner of my left eyelid ... Had it before, thought it's just an infection due to weather, but now I know it's really stress acting up .... Tomorrow I have a field assignment, and I'm going to do shit ....
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