My friend P

I don't have that many male friends ... Which is ironic, because I happen to love the company of men ... Or rather, I think I would enjoy the attention men can shower me :P ....

My two brothers are sad cases, because not only did they hardly shower any attention, but when they did, it was mostly to bully or berate me .... I exaggerate of course ... But those childhood memories somehow stick to the mind ....

Interestingly enough, I seemed to have been lucky not to seek male attention in the 'wrongest' of ways .... Probably because I led such a sheltered life, despite the fact that I was left to my own devices .... I sought out the pleasure of losing myself in movies, which worked out for everyone, I think ....

Of course, from high school to college, I had the usual dose of crushes .... But the most lasting one in memory is my first crush :) ... So lasting that I think a blog entry of its own is in order ... But it was all sweet memories, and couldn't happen at a better time than when I was sixteen ... More like stupid sixteen *ahaks* ....

Anyway, rather than go on and on about my first bf, lest people should start thinking whether I still carry the torch for him, which is a resounding NO, I would like to say that I wish our relationship ended with a proper closure ....My ex would say the opposite .... Actually, I rather not reveal too much when it comes to other people's private matters, though I may have done so in this blog, by default or by design ....

But it so happens that I thought my ex was my best friend .... Or rather, it was the single biggest mistake I had ever made .... Before any form of true friendship could take root, I immediately jumped into the boy-girl relationship with him ....

Well, it takes two to tango, and I think both of us were equally inexperienced at relationships at that point ....

So, I think the main reason as to why I am kind of sorry it turned out the way it is, is because I had lost a good friend when I ended the relationship .... Things were never ever going to be the same again, I admit .... All the same, why did I have to lose my best friend? ....

Many many years passed, then P entered my life .... And it so happened that at the time I had this crush on a mutual acquaintance, idiotic of me really, now that I've come to realise it ....

But it was P who always put everything into perspective for me ... He would kick my butt on everything ... It would seem that he almost always had reason to lecture me .... In the beginning I found it a little off-putting ....

Wisdom comes only when we realise, but somehow never before ....

I finally realise that he is the kind of person I need in my life .... Someone who's the opposite of my ineptitude at decision-making .... Whereas half the time I don't know what I want, he knows exactly what he wants and gets it ...

So, why oh why did I turn him down when he offered "to spend time" with me? ... It didn't look like much of a proposition, but to me it did ....

Well, one, I didn't want to repeat the mistake I had made with my ex .... And two, I thought P wasn't serious about the "proposition" because he was ... ahem, inebriated at the time .... When I think about it, maybe because he was so nervous, he got drunk .... Don't flatter yourself, BJ ....

And so here I am .... sort of in a crossroad about P .... To an extent, I care about him, so much so that I think my feelings for him border on affection .... Why couldn't that be love? ....

But he already said no, when I brought this up some weeks ago .... Was my heart torn to pieces upon hearing his resounding answer? .... To an extent, I have to admit I am crushed by it ...

Of course, it was a long time ago when he made that proposition .... But like I said, Wisdom only when you realise, but never before ....

All in all, I still have his friendship, and I am ever so grateful for that ... He may have no idea what that means to me, but it means to me a hell of a lot .... He could have said that we shouldn't be friends anymore, but in never saying that, he's a bigger person at heart than I give him credit for ....

Added 08/05/09 - My question now is - Can two people who have never met at all, oceans apart (I did like Richard Marx once upon a time) and all that, become best friends? ....

Hmmm, sounds like a premise of a movie ....

Added 11/10/2013 - J, don't ever give up on the possibility of meeting your love ... By the grace of Allah, you will meet him one day ... If anything, your faith in Allah should only strengthen the believe that anything is possible ... If nothing is possible, how did you manage to find your way out of the abyss, the second time around? In fact, you have just been given a second chance at Life on Earth ... So, believe, and one day you will meet your soul mate ... One day ...