Well, the year is coming to a close ... And I'm nearer to 44 ... How do I feel? ... In the last 30 years of my life, I've made decisions that I regret ... Some people say they don't have regrets ... Those people are lying to themselves ... It is the natural human condition to look back and try to fix things that you wish you didn't do ... Or else why would would there be pop sci-fi about turning back time? For kicks? I doubt that ... But, time moves on and so must we all ... I've made do with the decisions that I've made, for better or for worse, and even though I wish that I didn't have to go through certain things, it's actually those things that are trying their best (being in the present continuous seems apt) to make me grow up ...
For one, I realize that I have a tendency to cut and run ... When things get hard, I cut and run ... Some people may look at it as being impatient, but for me, I am always trying to find the path that's the least hardest ... Doesn't everyone? Maybe, but it's how each individual deals with a problem that is the key, not so much the solution, but the way of solving it ... Mine is cut and run ... Job too hard? Quit ... And I've been quitting jobs for as long as I can remember ... But lately, I look back and I see some of my former colleagues managing to stay at their jobs for years and years ... I don't think that's just tenacity ... Maybe they've become too comfortable with it ... Or maybe they have found a way to overcome whatever that job throws at them – an ability that I lack ...
Or most likely, they have the ability to deal with other people's shit, one which I sorely lack but need the most ... It isn't for the lack of trying that I am trapped in the situation that I am now ... I simply made a bad decision ... This very much contradicts what I have said earlier ... Well, allow me to rectify ...
There are no good or bad decisions ... But there are lessons to learn, and how you deal with each lesson Life throws at you is how, I suppose, one grows up ... Most people call this character-building ... I call it "F**k me up more, why don't you, God" ... Phrasing it that way is the only way I can deal with the situation ... Because of the way I have been built, I don't simply shout at people if they decide to lord their shit over me ... I go to a corner and scream and cry and/or break things ... Otherwise, my body will respond in the way it knows best: psychotic episode or a really, really bad cough that wakes me up in the middle of the night ... Is that enough "rectification"? ...
I very much want to say that it's because I grew up without a role model that is the cause of my ... erm, indecisive cut-and-run ... But, how many times must I blame my parents? ... They're human, too ... They make mistakes, and I should just accept that ... I should also accept that I am not a mistake ... Things happen and I have to grow up ...
And so I have decided that for better or for worse that I should just stick with the shitty job I have now, with the shitty pay and the shitty hours and the co-workers who are so-inept-that-they-make-you-carry-their-sorry-ass-yet-it-isn't-really-their-fault-but-even-more-inept-employers-who-hire-such-people, NO MATTER WHAT ... In the mean time, I will find time to do what I love most, which is writing ... I am sort of researching for my third attempt at fiction, and it is my most ambitious project as yet ... That says a lot, because the word 'ambition' and me do not mix ...
And I think I will continue having regrets, but perhaps with less frequency ... As long as I stick to one thing, and try to make it work to my advantage ... That is the lesson I have to learn ... As long as each of us lives, he/she has to learn a lesson ... That's basically what Life is ... One big lesson, or a series of lessons, whichever you want to look at it ... Of course, I'm just stating the f**king obvious ...
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