The Never-Ending Journey of The Dream Job And The Endless Adventures of The Compulsive Shopper ...

Posted some time in early 2018

Well, I quit my job at that retail store ... Not even two months ... I really did not want to quit ... It was a difficult decision to make, mostly because of the fact that I have a huge debt hanging over my head ... But, the job involved a lot of physical exertion, and very long shifts ... Sure, the OT is not too bad: in fact, it boosted my salary a little bit ... But, I have come to a point in my life that having a lot of money isn't all that important ... Yes, I'll admit that if I can get a boatload of money simply to pay off my debt, that would be great and I'd forever be thankful to God for that ... But you see, this is where my faith comes in ...

I've talked quite a bit about my faith, whether directly or indirectly, in this blog ... However, I always believe that Faith is a private thing ... It's just between me and God, no one else needs to know about it, not my mother, not my family, and certainly not complete strangers who read this blog ... Having said that, if it weren't for my faith, I would not have come to this place where I am content with what I make ... I mean, I'm able to pay my debt, share the cost of my Pay TV Provider with my mother, pay her a little bit for room rent and pay my phone bill with the salary that I now make with my new job, which is waiting tables etcetera etcetera at a rather high-end restaurant ... 

If I happen to go to KLCC and dawdle and see this cute little something at Typo, for example, I would really think, not just twice, but several times, on whether I actually NEED it ... Then, I would just walk out of the store and the urge to buy on impulse is gone ... All this self control I attribute to my faith in God ... Yes, now and then, I can't help but splurge, especially when I'm either in a foul mood, just to cheer myself up, or in a really good mood, simply just to boost it more ... But, I have to make sure that when I do splurge, I have enough money left in my account to last me at least until the end of the month ...

At the end of last month, I found that I had had splurged a little bit too much ... Firstly, because it was because I was feeling down because I couldn't find a new job, and then ... Well, a miracle from God happened ... On the day I completed my first novel and published it online, I managed to get a job at this chain restaurant that serves rather pricey food that I can't afford with the salary that I make ... But, you know what, that's alright, Alhamdulillah ... I don't need to have a meal at the restaurant, I just need some money to get by ... I was so happy to not only get my first novel published in an online writers' community site, but also because I got a new job, that I splurged on TIME magazine's special edition of Star Wars, which is much more pricey that a copy of EMPIRE magazine ... Because, you see, just prior to me getting my new job, I had just watched The Last Jedi and though that cheered me up, I was still feeling a little bit down because of my jobless state ... So, I think it was the next day, I went to KLCC and lo and behold, a departmental store there was selling Star Wars and Marvel merchandise ... I thought about my near state of penury, but because I just wanted to boost my mood, I went ahead and bought a Loki glow-in-the-dark t-shirt, which was a little too rich for my blood ... Only like days after that that I got my new job, which was nearly at the end of December, and I would only get my pay at the end of January ... Yet, because I splurged a little too much, I had to use savings from my Tabung Haji account (money which I'm saving to pay for the Hajj pilgrimage, God-willing) to pay my debt, while my mother had to bear the cost of the Pay TV Provider and got no money from me, at least until I get my first salary from my latest job ... I used the TH savings to pay for gas, food and basic necessities as well ...

The point of me telling you all this is that material possession is not important at all ... The reason why I bought the Loki t-shirt and the TIME Star Wars special edition was simply because I wanted to boost my mood ... Yeah, retail therapy, but mine is more the I-only-spend-when-I-think-I-can-control-my-spending kind ... Up to now, I still feel bad having to use money that I'm saving for the fifth Pillar of Islam, especially for stuff that have nothing to do with my faith, but under the circumstances, with the money from my last job dwindling at a very fast rate, not just because I splurged, but because I needed to pay for food and gas, among other things, I had to make another tough decision, which is drawing out hard-earned money in order to meet my monthly debt payment and all that ...

So, let's talk about the four criteria that I listed down in a previous post with regards to the ideal job for me:
1) The job/workplace has to be near my home ... CHECKED
2) The job has to have a salary high enough for me to pay all the stuff I've said over and over again and still has enough left for me to do the occasional splurging ... NOPE, EVEN MORE PEANUTS THAN THE RETAIL STORE JOB ... But like I said above ...
3) The job has to do with writing ... I just f**king finished my first attempt at fiction, a novel based on my experiences in Japan, and now it's on booksie.com ... Please check it out ...
4) The job allows me to practise my faith ... You know what, the 'surau' at the mall where my new workplace is, is so much more comfortable than the 'surau' at the retail store at the hypermarket I worked for nearly two months ... This 'surau' is bigger and cooler, allowing for space and air that people need to perform their 'ibadah' comfortably ... This is especially important at peak hours such as Maghrib on weekends, where people tend to converge all at the same time, and Maghrib being the shortest praying period among the five Solat Fardhu, after Subuh, has the most people at the 'surau' ... So, with the 'surau' at the mall being larger and cooler, I can squeeze myself in, perform the thirteen Rukun Solat, which Insya-Allah, will take me less time than performing not only the thirteen Rukun Solat but also the Sunnah-sunnah Solat, and skedaddle out of there so that I can get quickly back to my job waiting tables at the restaurant, which is also very busy at that hour ...

Okay, that's it for now ... Will talk more about my latest job in future posts, Insya-Allah ...

I like cute stuff, and this is one of the very few stuff I bought at the retail store I used to work at ... 'aninal' doesn't make sense at all, and I only see one word that makes perfect sense for me ...

I've always wanted to try marshmallow, but not sure whether the gelatine is halal or not ... Fortunately, the retail store sells marshmallow that has the Jakim-certified Halal logo ... The gelatine is fish-based ... It's quite nice actually, but I'm no longer into sweet stuff ... Just wanted to know how marshmallow tastes like ...

Like I said, not into sweet stuff ... But I was curious how banana candy would taste like ... Erm, not so nice ... The pineapple candy is good, though ...

This two brings back childhood memories ... Haw Flakes are basically kind of sourish and sweet, and it has the Jakim-certified logo ... However, the White Rabbit milk candy does not ... I remember I used to eat this as a kid ... Well, I was not 'baligh' (reach puberty)  then, so I suppose God can forgive me for eating something that may not be 'halal' ... I bought this just so I can share some of the stuff I used to eat as a kid ...

Besides the glass water bottle with the rabbit motif, this is one of the very few non-food items I bought at the store prior to my quitting there ... The semantics is not quite there, but I get to say I'm Top Banana :) ...

Just when I did not want to spend money at all except for basic necessities, my wallet just had to break down ... The zip would not zip up ... So, bought this Burberry knock-off at almost half the price of the wallet I bought at a rather quality made-in-Malaysia retail store .... No, I'm not into Burberry, but I happen to like the tartan design ...

I bought this in June, methinks ... Just seven months old ... Not so much quality buy then ... Let's see whether the Burberry knock-off would last longer ...

Update

I can throw the criteria for the bloody job out the window ... Nobody knows the future except God ... No matter how much we plan and how much we would like things to go our way, they nearly never work out in the end ... In the end, we somehow end up in a mess of emotions, from utter despair because we have been out of work for so long, to complete anger at God for throwing us for yet another crazy loop ... Literally ... I did not ask for the second relapse, and yet it happened ... But, you know what, life goes on, whether you like it or not ... So, either you choose to remain where you are, in a frightful mess of emotions and simply lock yourself up, or just throw everything that's happened aside and slowly move on ... The third option is killing oneself ... There, I said it ...

So, I move on ... I get really low-paying jobs to get by ... I write a second novel just to get rid of my feeling of utter desperation ... And I continue surfing online for a job that doesn't necessarily pay me well, but enough for me to pay the damned debt and still leave me with some at the end of the month ... I lost and yet again, for the umpteenth time, gain weight ... This is due to my junk food addiction and the bloody medication ... I don't know ... Somehow, the expression "To hell and back" just doesn't sum it up ... And, for the umpteenth time, it has tested my faith in God ... Sometimes I wonder why we are in this endless spiral of existential chaos ... Not sometimes, so many times ... I mean, what the hell, man? ... But, like I said, life goes on ...

So, I continue to just trying to be myself while navigating this endless loop of ... I'm not even sure what to call it ... Somehow utter madness doesn't quite capture the essence of what it is ... How about "Endless Enigmatic Enema"? ... See, that's just me being myself ... How can one not fall back on humour when one cannot understand life's endless sewage drain of shit? ...

So, I finally landed a job ... I've found my dream job some time ago, which is a full-time writer ... But, I have bills and a huge debt to pay, so ... The pay is decent ... I can not only pay for the monthly debt payment, but also the burgeoning debt I owe my mother, partly due to the fact that I had been out of work, and save a monthly sum in the Tabung Haji account ... After paying for all this, I have enough money to go shopping and for daily necessities ... But, out of the four criteria listed, it only fulfills the writing part ... Otherwise, I have issues with upper management (maybe ... just maybe, I might talk about it in a future post) ... But, other than those people, my co-workers are alright ... They make jokes, they also don't like my immediate superior and they're chill ... However, after having lost all my so-called friends, a couple of whom due to my own stubbornness, I just don't feel like making friends with any of my co-workers ... I've come to the point where I think I'm just going to end up being alone, especially after my mother leaves this world for the next ... I'm not exactly fine with the idea, but I'm slowly accepting it ...

... which brings me to my faith ... I still pray, but not as steadfast as I had before I lost my previous job nearly two years ago ... When I worked at the retail store and the restaurant the first time around, I prayed the Solat Fardhu as diligently as possible, even though it was difficult with the restaurant job as they need staff to be around all the time and the break times for every worker are staggered ... I quit the restaurant job after three months ... Then I went into this period of desperation, which gave birth to my second novel ... There was also the government debt, which hung over me like a bell jar ... I waited and grew even more desperate and waited some more ... In the end, on the day I finished my second novel, I got a letter from the government telling me that I was overdue, even though they said that the payment must be put on hold pending a review of my situation ... Well, they told me over the phone, there was no black and white ... And you know how bureaucratic bullshit works ... When that notice came, I immediately made the decision to go back to the restaurant job, even though I hated it ... But, this time I also decided that I was not going to pray as diligently as I did before ... In fact, I stopped praying for some time ... I was mad at God ... I was mad at Him for making me going through this endless cycle of crap ... I banged my head on the wall, metaphorically speaking, many a time, thinking why am I going through this load of shit when I already had three ... THREE psychotic episodes??? ... I mean, what the hell, man? But, you know, life goes on ...

So, I stuck with that restaurant job, even though I hated it with all my heart and soul ... I didn't care what sort of face I made at the customers ... I.JUST.DIDN'T.F**KING.CARE ... I lasted at the restaurant for three months, but unlike the first time when I just didn't turn up for work, this time I thought I should do it properly and tender a month's notice ... Even though I hated the job, I didn't want to burn the bridge with the people I worked with ... Now, if I pass by the restaurant, I would stop by and see them ... Of course most of them have left, but the supervisor is still around, and she's alright ... She's one of those people I would invite to my wedding, if I ever get married that is ...

After that I just floated from one job to another ... I was fired from one after two weeks ... I made a mistake, and the supervisor had very high standards ... Then I worked at a clothing store ... That also didn't last long because I fell ill one day and couldn't come to work and some drama happened ... To make a long story short, they didn't fire me, I quit ... And still the bell jar hung over me ... After that notice, I didn't hear from the government people for quite a while ... There was this thought that they might have rescinded my debt, but as much as I wanted to leap with joy, my gut was telling me that a second notice would come ... And it did ... But soon after it did, I got the job which I have now ... So, now I'm thinking, "Is this your idea of a joke, God? Because it isn't funny" ... Despite the fact that now I am living comfortably with a steady income, I can't help but think that it will be snatched again one fine day and God will have the last laugh ...

Anyways, now that I am living comfortably, I have reverted to my old ways where shopping is concerned ... Splurged quite a bit last month, but this time, I made a list of all the things I wanted to buy and made sure I stuck to the list ... I did buy a few items that were not on the list, the result of which left me striking out some of the things on the list itself, so that in the end, my spending would balance itself out ... At least if I had a hard time at work due to crazy upper management, I can channel my despair towards retail therapy ... Yeah, I guess everything works out in the end, but if God continues to have fun with me, I may well be cracked for good one fine day ...

The H&M trousers is just RM20, so that is a bargain ... The baju kurung and scarf are for Hari Raya Haji ... The toolkit and Typo note books are birthday presents for my nephew, who's training to be an electrician ... Got him a funny birthday card as well ... Hope the humour works for him ...

These items were not on the list, but I wanted to complete my scarves collection and I wanted a nice-smelling fragrance other than the baby cologne I use on a daily basis ... It may say Bath & Body Works, but it doesn't have a lasting effect ... In fact, the baby cologne, which is a lot cheaper, has much better lasting effect ...

I really wanted to get a perfume for myself, but the smallest size available for Chanel Gabrielle eau de parfum is only 50ml, and it is pricey ... Then I remembered that both my sis-in-law and my nephew's birthdays are in August, so I decided to get a perfume for my sis-in-law ... Luckily Victoria's Secret had a sale at the time ... The top notes are floral and fruity, but I purposely picked it because I think it's more to my sis-in-law's taste ... I prefer floral and musky/woody ... I got the novel some time ago as a birthday present for her ... Of course, I wasn't working at the time, so that was all I could afford ... I'll have to get Chanel Gabrielle another time ...

I'm not really a fan of the movie franchise, but out of it comes the merch, so I suppose it works out for everyone ... My shopping bag collection is ever growing ...