Last month I went for my appointment at the psych clinic ... It went as uneventful as usual ... And as usual, the doctors asked me whether I'm still hearing voices or seeing things that are not there ... Perhaps it's part of their training that they have to ask this particular set of questions ... In short, it is routine to ask a schizophrenic these questions ... I wanted to reassert my belief to the doctors that I am not a textbook schizophrenic ... Perhaps an extraordinary case ... But, after five years, I have resigned myself to the fact that the doctors I go to will not listen to me ... They just want to hear what they want to hear for their own benefit and not exactly for the patient's ... Of course that is just my opinion, what do I know anyway, I'm supposed to be a schizophrenic ...
Anyway, between last month and the visit prior to that, I had six months of basically just consuming 0.5mg of risperidone on a daily basis ... During this period, I noticed that the weight I had lost due to having worked at a restaurant at the end of 2018 and at a retail store at the end of 2017 gradually began to make its insidious way into my system again ... Last month, I found out that I was just about five kilogrammes less than the weight I had prior to having worked at all these physically demanding jobs ... In short, I am ten kg above my ideal weight, or rather the weight I prefer to have, because I have actually once reached the ideal weight for my height and found that I looked a little too emaciated ... I don't mind looking "healthy" but not "too healthy", if you know what I mean ...
I knew I was gaining weight, because unkind people were commenting on it, and kind people like the supervisor at the restaurant I worked at just kept her mouth shut ... Of course it bothered me, so I wanted to find a way to control my weight, and one of the ways is to decrease my consumption of risperidone ... Another good reason for decreasing my risperidone intake is that I find one of my legs starts to shake uncontrollably if I stand for a period of time ... This itself doesn't bother me, but I worry that other people might notice it and ask me about it, and I can't think of a good lie ... "I was born with a twitch" doesn't hold water in my case ...
So, at my last visit, I asked the doctors whether I could decrease the frequency of my risperidone consumption ... The dosage is already at the very minimum, so I figured that I could take it every other day or every two days ... Nope, the doctors won't listen ... They say that risperidone, once consumed, is only active in the system for 24 hours ... Thus, for a day or two, I would have no chemical substance to control the thing that snaps in my brain ... To be fair, I agree with the doctors, because I really, REALLY, do not want to risk another relapse ... However, because I feel that I am an extraordinary case, decreasing the frequency of my drug intake will not have any exacerbating effect ... Of course the doctors don't think I am an extraordinary case, so that's the end of it ...
But, they suggested a new drug for me, known as fluphenazine, in which I will be given an injection of 25mg that will last me a month ... I read up a bit on it and found that the injection form is called fluphenazine decanoate and that uncontrollable muscle movements is one of its side effects, but weight gain is not ... Okay, that is a consolation ... After explaining to me that the lowest dosage for fluphenazine is 25mg and that I would be given a test dosage of 12.5mg to see how my system responds to it, I figured that at least it's some sort of progress ... I will not say that I have made a marked improvement in terms of my mental health in the way that I can control, but an improvement nonetheless ...
Anyways, all seems alright until I took the second 12.5mg shot two weeks later ... A day after that, my lower body literally shook me to death ... I was shaking without feeling cold ... It was so obvious that I worry people that I work with would notice it ... I have no control over the shaking ... My lower body would shake whether I stand, which is worse, and when I sit, which isn't so bad as when I stand because the shaking is less noticeable when I sit ... You know some people would shake their leg when they are doing something intense ... Well, that's controllable, you see ... I can't control the shaking in whichever position my body is ... I think the only time when I don't shake is when I sleep ... But, despite this rather troublesome side effect, fluphenazine does not affect weight, at least not to my knowledge ... So, I'd rather have the shaking than the weight gain ...
Then about a week prior to my next visit to the hospital, I was feeling really listless ... And my sleep is becoming shorter and shorter ... You see, I had been working at a bridal boutique for a month and although the hours are not too bad, I find that as the days and weeks passed, the quality of my sleep had lessened ... Until one day when I turned up for work and the minute I talked to the manager, she told me to go home ... I was trying to keep my eyes from not blinking too much from tiredness, but she noticed it immediately ... Okay, so I got a day off ... That was great, even though it meant another day deducted from my salary (I had already asked for an extra day off) ... So, I thought I'd go home and try to get as much sleep as possible ... But, for some reason, the next day, my brain was really tired and I started getting really worried that I would relapse ... It was that morning that I decided that I was not going to turn up for work ... Yeah, I'm a quitter, but it was either that or risk another relapse at the workplace where things could get really hairy ... The most amazing thing to come out of this was that my mother was in complete acquiescence over my quitting the job ... I know it is difficult for her to see her daughter spending her days doing nothing and just sleeping and moping ... But my mother also worried that I would relapse, and so she said I should not go to work ...
So, what did I do in the week leading to my next visit? I took risperidone on a daily basis ... And the horrible shaking subsided ... I still don't know whether I want to transition back to risperidone, but you have no idea how horrible the shaking is ... For once, I am glad that I have stopped shaking so much, even though I know that my weight may be increasing as we speak ...
And so, on my latest visit to the hospital, I explained to the doctors what happened the week prior ... They said that a sudden change in lifestyle may have affected my sleep, but I wouldn't say it was so sudden ... I quit from my job with the Devil's Spawn in October, and I got the job at the bridal boutique in December ... I worked at the boutique just over a month before I quit ... I took the first fluphenazine shot about the same time as I got the bridal boutique job, so I'm not too sure whether my lack of sleep is due to my taking fluphenazine or because of the job, but the doctors said that it was the job and not the fluphenazine ... They didn't say in those exact words, but I have a feeling "sudden change in lifestyle" mean that they don't think the fluphenazine shots had anything to do with me losing my sleep ... I mentioned that I have been taking risperidone in the week prior to the latest visit, and the doctors didn't seem too happy with that ... They said that the way my body responds to one medication is not the same as the way it responds to another, so if I started taking fluphenazine shots, I should stick with that ... Well, I didn't want to argue with the doctors, but I did say that the shaking subsided when I re-took risperidone during that week ... So, the doctors prescribed me another medication to counteract the shaking side effect ... I remember taking this medication when I was on aripiprazole ... It's known as trihexyphenidyl ... If you google it, you'll know what its original intended use is for ... I am one with Michael J. Fox and all Parkinson's sufferers because that is how I look when fluephenazine decanoate is in my system ... My whole lower body shakes ... However, after careful reading on Artane and Tardive Dyskinesia, I think that Artane might not help me and instead might exacerbate the shaking ... We shall see when the month is up for my next injection ...
In the mean time, I once perused some articles on Alzheimer's while working at the Devil's Spawn's place ... It turns out that some of the medication I was on are being used to control Alzheimers ...
I was on mirtazapine, which is one of the drugs used to help with depression, in patients with Alzheimer's ... I had been taking zolpidem for a while, a sleeping aid, when I had trouble sleeping ... I was on clonazepam, an anti-anxiety drug for Alzheimer's patients, but in my case, I used it to help me fall asleep, and it did help for a while, but like zolpidem, it lost its effect on me after a while .... The biggest surprise is that they also prescribe antipsychotics to people with severe cases of Alzheimers ... I have been on risperidone, quetapine and olanzapine ...
After reading this article, I worry that I might be afflicted with Alzheimer's ... I'm already taking some of the drugs, what are the chances of me getting it? ... My maternal grandmother was senile, so there's family history ... I just worry that in my quest to remain relapse-free, I might actually be throwing myself in harm's way of something much more serious ... Maybe I should take a test ... Of course, I am naturally a worry-wart, so I might be making a mountain out of a molehill here ... Nevertheless, it doesn't hurt to know whether I might be afflicted with early onset Alzheimer's ... Maybe I should ask the doctors in my next visit ...
No comments:
Post a Comment