What is True Love?

Well, I prayed and prayed to Allah to take me out of this lazy fug I have been in for some time now, and the other day, I started cleaning out all the junk I didn't want in my room ... In fact, I'm hoping that by end of a time to come, my room will have a minimalist look ... or rather, a room with as few things as possible ...

While I was clearing out junk, I went through a box full of old birthday cards and letters ... I started reading them one by one ...Then I realized that I've misjudged the relationships I have had with the people who wrote them ...

For one, there's my mother ... If you've been reading this blog, you may come across some entries about my "dysfunctional" family ... I read through almost all of the birthday cards my mother has given me, and in each card, she always signed it off with "Love, Mum" ...

My mother and my father, I think, were raised by a generation that could not express their feelings in speech, and the generation before that, and the generation before that ... I don't know, in America, people are more expressive when it comes to feelings ... But, here in this part of the world where I live, we're not that good with verbal expressions, especially when it comes to our feelings ... Yeah sure, our local dramas show people expressing their feelings, but the words sound stilted to me; not natural at all ... I'm talking about the Malays ... I don't know about the Chinese and the Indians in this country of mine ...

I think I suffer from the same kind of thing as well ... I can express myself well in writing, but when I talk, especially in Malay, the words come out garbled and I sound rather incoherent, especially when I explain things to my co-workers, my family, my few friends and so on ... I just cannot communicate in Malay, the irony of that ... I verbally express myself better in English ... I don't know why that is, even though English is my second language ...

Anyway, back to my mother ... She can verbally express herself well in Malay, except of course her feelings ... Correction: her feelings towards me ... She can criticize the hell out of me, but she can't even say "I love you" to my face ... I did, at one point, only once, said that "Ju sayang Mak" to her while on my way out to work, but I don't know whether she paid heed to what I said, because she said nothing in response ... She did hug me back, though ... I guess my mother loves me, but she's just not used to expressing feelings with her children ...

So, I tried again this morning ... I said "Ju sayang Mak" while kissing her hand and cheeks and hugging her, as a show of respect for the elderly that is customary among Malay Muslims ... She said "Okay", so I guess that was it ... until I was about to step out of the house ... My mother, for the first time in the 41 years that I have lived, said, "Mak pun sayang Ju" ... I asked in Malay, "Really?" and she replied in Malay, "Yes" ...

I didn't know what to make of it as I walked down the steps of our apartment complex and headed for the car ... I felt something as I took the 40-minute drive to my workplace ... Then, I realized what it was, or rather, is ... My mother's love for me comes from Allah ... Allah wills her to say "I love you" to me ... And for the first time perhaps ever in my life, I feel loved ... Yes, other people in the past loved me, but it's not the same kind of love ... The love that I feel from Allah through my mother is transcendent and beyond compare ... Love from a person is, for the lack of a better word, frail ... People fall in love, people fall out of love ... People change, people don't change ... Thus, human love is transient ... But Allah is supreme in His love ... I feel blessed and forgiven and loved all at the same time ... I could almost taste that eternal happiness we are promised when we enter Paradise ... Insya-Allah (God-willing) ... But, of course my mother loves me ... Yet, it was a miracle that she said those three loaded words ... A miracle from Allah ... Amin ...