A while ago, I was in a state of the worst kind of laziness ... Some sort of fug enveloped me for at least more than a year and a half ... I've talked about it in a previous post, so not going to repeat myself here ...
So, I prayed to Allah to get me out of this state ... It took a while, but finally I cleaned my bathroom with all the might of a juggernaut ... It took the wind out of me, but my bathroom was shiny and sparkling at the end of it ...
The other day, I cleaned my room with the one-inch thick of dust that had accumulated since God knows when ... Up to that point, I think I may not have vacuumed my room for more than a year ... Can you imagine the state of a room that hasn't been vacuumed for more than 12 months? Well, if you're the kind that don't mind a messy room, than you shouldn't have a problem with the state of my room before it got cleaned up ... But, I am one of those people who can't stand messiness ... That's the irony of the whole thing ... I let my room become messy, but I hated it at the same time ...
Anyway, I also got rid of some stuff ... Some of the stuff are in pretty good condition, so I wouldn't call them junk because they can still be used ... But I just couldn't be bothered to, say, set up a garage sale of sorts and sell those items ... Garage sales, or car boot sales, though not new here in KL, are kind of a rarity ... Most Malaysians won't buy junk, unless they can get them for free ... So, that's what I did ... I gave away all those things to the cleaner lady who works at my apartment complex ... I told her to use, or sell, or recycle the stuff she doesn't want, as long as the junk I was throwing out won't end up in some landfill ...
While I was clearing out all the junk, I went through a box full of old birthday cards and letters ... The first thing I noticed after going through most of those cards and letters was that almost everyone's handwriting was better than mine ... Trust me, my handwriting is horrible ... I write in Caps, since God knows when, because when I write in Caps, my handwriting looks a little bit neater ... Don't ever ask me to write cursive ... We were taught to write cursive in Primary (or Elementary if you like) School, but I hated it ...
I came across at least a dozen postcards sent by my first brother ... This was when he started working on ships and before he got married ... He even sent me letters ... I didn't really look through these postcards and letters, except for one or two ... But the thought that crossed my mind as I set aside those cards and letters was the realization that my brother sent a lot of postcards and letters ... This itself is a revelation because I didn't know, or rather could not remember, what kind of a relationship I had with my brother all those years ago ... My brother, or I should say both my brothers, are not the communicative type ... I don't know whether it's because they're men (which by me saying this I am stereotyping men), or it's the way we've been brought up, or whatever ...
Anyway, most of my brother's postcards and letters only mentioned about which port he was at (I didn't need to read the postcards 'coz the picture at the front was enough to let me know where my brother's ship had berthed) ... What struck me most was that his letters and postcards accounted for a rather large number of mail and birthday cards from other people I had received up to a point a long time ago ... I mean, I haven't been at all close with my brothers for as long as I could remember ... Yet, there is one memory that is stuck to my brain after all these years ... I was maybe already in my early teens ... My brother (the one who sent me postcards and letters) was home for a semester break, I think ... One day, both of us went out on a rainy day ... The rain was pelting heavily on the umbrella that I shared with my brother ... Then we were about to cross the road ... I didn't look one way, and I felt this hard grip on my shoulder ... My brother had stopped me from oncoming traffic ... It wasn't the fact that he saved my life ... It was the memory of the hard grip that is burned to my brain after all these years ... I mentioned in an earlier post about how my mother could not communicate her feelings towards me ... Well, it's the same with my two brothers, and I guess my sister ... Up to now, I still don't know much the interests, likes, dislikes, feelings and opinions of my siblings ... I know their jobs, I know the names of my nephews and nieces ... But I am not close with my family ... Whatever knowledge I have of them is only surface-level ... Maybe it's just me ... Maybe I don't want to get close with my family ...
If I had a say in the matter, I would have liked a mother and a father who would have taken care of me, loved me, praised my accomplishments, encouraged me when I was down, and so on ... But, no, my parents are not like that ... I would have liked siblings who are like best friends ... But, you can't choose your family ... Except your friends who can become your 'family' ... But, in the last several years, I've lost quite a number of friends who I thought were going to remain my BFFs ... The way I see it is that God intends for me to remain alone .... I haven't fully accepted this, TBH ... I should actively seek out new friends, but I guess I'm lazy or just a plain homebody ...
Back to the story about the letters and the birthday cards ... There was a pile of birthday cards I received from A, the friend who I had a falling out with a long time ago, which I posted somewhere on this blog ... We were the best of friends for 13 years since we started Matriculation ... We went to the same college in the UK, though I won't say it's a college ... But now it's a university ... Well, if you are an avid reader of this blog, you would know where I stayed and studied when I was in the UK ... Okay, okay, back to that friend ... Well, our friendship ended because of a very silly mistake on my part ... Not a time goes by that I don't think of ways to reach out to this person ... While I was reading her mail, I found an email address, so I wrote to her ... Up to now, there's no response ... Either the email is no longer in use, or she simply does not want to rebuild the bridge that I had burned ... I suppose this is what God intends for me ... TBH, even though I am trying my best to draw closer to God, but I am still conflicted, especially about the state of loneliness that I feel ...
And yet to God I turn to in my hour of need ... I mentioned in this post prior to this about my relationship with God ... So, now I make God my family, my best friend, my everything ... Again, I reiterate that I haven't lost hope in finding new friends or meeting my significant other ... But, I cannot see what God has planned for me, which is why I have to remain hopeful ... As a wise person once said: Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies ...
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