Then there is this friend ... I'm not that close to her, but she's on my FB ... Almost everyday, I keep coming across her status updates, which mostly consist of how much fitness activities she's taken up and the progress she's made ... One day, she updated about what I assumed to be her svelte body ... People have been commenting on how young she looks (She's a year younger than I am), that she has a sexy bum, and that she credits her wonderful figure to all the fitness activities she's taken ... I can't help but to wonder that there's an underlying issue here ... It's either she's been body-shamed, and doing all sorts of fitness activities and posting about on FB makes her feel good, which I have no right to judge, or she's a self-absorbed narcissist, which is "I don't know why I'm friends with her" ... Do I envy her? A little bit ... But I've gone through so much shit that I'm just so grateful to God that I'm still alive ...
Okay, let's talk about women and their bodies ... First and foremost, I am not a feminist ... I believe in women's rights, but I don't believe in gender equality ... Men and women are made differently and we serve different purposes ... Yes, this has something to do with my faith, but you don't want to hear me preach, right? The reason I'm saying I'm not a feminist is because I don't want to speak on behalf of women about an issue that is often highlighted but not fully understood, I think ... I want to speak on behalf of people of both genders, and also those in between ...
Then again, I don't know what it's like for men, mostly because I have very few male friends and I never asked them, but for women, in my opinion, we are simply insecure about our bodies ... No matter how confident a woman projects herself on the outside, deep inside, each and everyone of us have insecurities rotting the foundation of our self-esteem ... I have a feeling in the gut that all women have some form of insecurity, and that the thing they are most insecure about is their appearance ...
I don't want to go into all that nature vs nurture shit and mommy/daddy issues, but our self-esteem is built upon the reinforcements of certain behaviours, attitudes, etcetera etcetera by our parents ... Lucky me, I got an absent dad and an overly critical mother ... So, my self-esteem gets eaten away bit by bit from a formative age ... Today, I am a woman in my early forties, but I still feel like I'm being treated like a twelve-year-old by my mother ... Why can't I just get out of that toxic environment? I could, but I am playing the part of the dutiful daughter ...
So, what does all this have to do with my insecurities regarding my body? It all started with a stupid relative coming over to the house and saying casually that I looked chubby ... This happened when I was 13, I think ... By 14, I weighed 35kg and had scaly skin ... But mother dearest kept feeding me with sweet stuff and carb-high meals that I was back to my usual chubby self when I turned 16 or 17 ... I don't want to bore you with the details of my yo-yoing weight in at least the last 25 years ... All I want you to know that I was and still am insecure with regards to my body ...
I avoid mirrors except for my face, only because I need to make sure that I apply my moisturiser evenly ... Other than that, I look in the mirror on most mornings thinking I'm not a beautiful person ... And all that BS about beauty is only skin deep, you're beautiful on the inside and that's what matters, blah blah ... I don't believe all that self-help mantra crock of shit, though I know some people do, which is "Good for them!" ... All I want to say is, "Thank God I have a face" ... There are people whose faces are disfigured by nature or by accident ... I wonder how they live through their lives ... It takes a mighty lot of confidence to not feel insecure about how the disfigurement affects one's looks, so I'm happy for them really...
In the end, I just want to be healthy, but this proves to be difficult ... One, I still eat processed food, which includes fast food, junk food and convenience food, among others... But, I've cut out soft drinks a long time ago, and more recently I've begun to develop a distaste for all things confectionery, including ice cream, though I'll never rule out baked goods and desserts ... My mother is the cook in the house, and out of mere respect for my mother, I don't want to tell her that I don't want to eat a number of the dishes she cooks because they are not healthy ... I can't hurt her feelings at all ... In the Qur'an, it mentions that even if I say "Ah" to her, I will have committed a big sin and hellfire awaits me ... No, I don't want to go to hell, even though I really like saying the word a lot of times ... I should slowly try to persuade my mother to let me do the cooking ... But, here's the thing: I'm lazy, like f**king @$$ lazy ... So, there is no one else to blame, not even my mother, for my heavy weight, except myself ...
Bottom line is, I'm just too f**king old to care about the shape of my body ... I am insecure about it, especially in regards to weight, but I'm not going to go into this fitness frenzy like the friend I mentioned above just so I can have a svelte body and get complimented for it ... That will certainly go to my head and soon enough, I'll become a self-absorbed narcissist myself ... No thanks ...
But, like I said in a previous post, I will do to the best of my ability to get healthy ... Ah, I stopped cycling for a while because I developed a swelling and that it is TMI ... Either the bicycle seat is too narrow, or that I just have a huge ass ... I'm thinking it's the latter ... I'm never gonna fork out a large sum of money just to replace the bike seat ... So, I bought a gel-padded seat cover ... No, it hasn't really worked ... My ass still gets sore after every ride ... Fine, as long as I don't develop a, erm, swelling ...
What am I trying to say here? Women, excuse me, a number of women will always be insecure with their appearance, body shape and weight, especially those who haven't received positive reinforcements from an early age ... Mind you, not coddling, just positive reinforcements ... Nevertheless, everyone should exercise, regardless of body shape and weight, but most importantly, regardless of how confident you feel about your body shape and weight ..
via GIPHY
via GIPHY
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| Brainjuice: I'm a two-bit barmy freak loser hack of a wabbit ... What the hell do I care about my body ... Well, maybe just a little bit ... |
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