My former friend N

Hmm, for some reason, I thought there would be a post about her somewhere here, but I guess it's just not here ...

N is, or rather, was the friend I went to Lang Tengah a long time ago ... I thought I could find a photo or two of her on my posts on that trip, but for some weird reason, even her photos are not there ... Strange, but I just can't be bothered to figure out why they are not there ... Then, after typing this, I just realized that I have deleted all photos of her on this blog ... I don't know whether I did it because I was hurt ... In fact, I didn't feel anything ... It must have been the same for her when she decided to sever all ties with me ... For some reason, her comments on some of my posts have not been deleted, like what I've done with another former friend ... Frankly, I just couldn't be bothered, whereas the other former friend reminded me of something that left a frightening impact on the state of my mind that I'd truly do not want to be reminded of her at all ... Nevertheless, I'm still reminded of N now and then ...

N was my junior in College, but we only met when I started teaching in my second year at that semi-rural school I talked about in a previous post tagged under 'work rant' ...

I'm not sure why I wanna talk about N ... After all, unlike A, it was not I who burned the bridge ... N got married one day and just never communicated with me ever since ... I tried one time calling her up, but she sounded distant and standoffish, so unlike the N I knew before she got married ... So, my question is, does marriage break friendships apart? If so, maybe it's a good thing I'm not married then ... I still harbour hopes for it, but I'm not counting on marriage to make me happy ...

Anyway, back to N, I had always held her in high esteem ... It's because she was this no-nonsense kind of person ... In a way, she sort of intimidated me ... But, no more ... For those who read this blog and think that the reason N and I broke apart and away is because of my mental condition ... Well, it's not ... However, N was aware that I was on meds when I had my second psychotic episode, if I'm not mistaken ... I recall her being frustrated at my "emotionless" state ... I recall her saying she'd rather throw a ball at me to jerk me out of my "emotionless" state ... How could I tell her it's the effects of the meds? Now, looking back, maybe it's a good thing N and I broke up ... If she was a true friend, she would have tried to find out and understand my condition ... That's what true friends do ...

We shared a lot of things, N and I, but it's safe to say that I will not share any of those memories here or elsewhere ... They remain in the ever murky folds of my always absent-minded mind ... Maybe they should be forgotten ... Anyway, I'm writing about N here just for posterity ...