Well, Girl meets Boy ... Girl finds qualities that are attractive in Boy ... Girl develops sort of 'feelings' for Boy ... Boy falls for another Girl ... Typical ... Girl still hopeful of finding True Love, or her soulmate ...
Yeah ... So I've worked for a few weeks at my new job ... One of my co-workers happens to be a boy 21 years my junior ... Let's call him Ren ... There is nothing at all spectacular about him in terms of looks ... He's barely taller than I am, and mind you, I'm between 150cm and 155cm ... He has a rather pimply face, albeit rather a baby-faced look ...Really, I would not have given him a second look even five years ago ... But, four years ago, I had a second relapse, and the worst of the three psychotic episodes, which changed my perspective on everything, even my faith ...
So, back to Ren ... In the first few days, I just saw him as a co-worker ... Then, I began to observe his characteristics and/or personality ... One, he is kind ... If you think Kindness is over-rated, think again ... Above all the qualities that in my opinion one should look for is kindness ... Kindness to others, kindness to all creatures large and small, kindness to the planet, and so on ... I'm not such a good judge of character, but I feel that Ren's brand of kindness is not the pretentious kind ... He will go out of his way to ensure that if I ever need his help, he would try his best to do so ... Which brings to the second quality in him that I find attractive: Thoughtfulness ... I could observe his kindness and thoughtfulness in the way he taught me how to do table service, for example ... He doesn't raise his voice, he is gentle, he makes sure I understand what to do before he moves on to the next lesson ...
But, above all, he is responsible, something which is a rare quality to find in a man so early in his age ... Even a number of men who have reached their 40s are still irresponsible ... Ren's sense of responsibility is shown in the way he would turn up for work, even though he had little sleep the night before ... Most people his age, men and women, would turn up, like, an hour later, or not at all ... And then, he would show up on his off days and help around with the cafe bar or the cake counter ... I don't know whether he's just hardworking, which is an admirable quality in itself, or he doesn't have a life, which is weird since he's at an age where all they want to do is enjoy life and not work ... Well, maybe not all Millennials are like this, but I'm sure some are ...
Then, I noticed that I had become attracted to him ... In the space of two weeks, Ren turned from just a short, pimply-faced co-worker to HOT HUNK WHOSE MOUTH I WANT TO SUCK OFF HIS FACE ...
This brings me to an earlier post entitled Love, Friendship, Jodoh & Pertemuan ... If you care to read that post, you will find that I have tried to define what Love is ... Well, this is what I think Falling In Love is ... It has nothing to do with your heart beating fast every single time you lock eyes with your crush ... It has nothing at all to do with sexual tension ... It is simply finding qualities that you find attractive in a person, which can happen in a matter of days, and finding that in the end, you become attracted to that person ... Then, the hot and heavy feeling comes, and then you find you can't get enough of that whiff of cheap cologne he uses every time he passes by you, and that's the end of you ... Unless you do something about it ...
In my case, I performed the Solat Sunat Istikharah as mentioned in a previous post ... Something about whether I should quit a certain job or not ... Well, if I'm not mistaken, in that selfsame post, I also mentioned that the Solat Sunat Istikharah can also be performed if you are trying to decide if person A is a potential partner ... Well, that's what I did ... Insya-Allah, I prayed for seven nights ... While I performed the special prayer, I wrote to Ren ... I mentioned how I felt about him, but I added that whatever happens, I wanted us to remain friends ... What I did not add is that how I truly felt about him ... After performing the Solat Sunat Istikharah, I feel that God wants me to be patient ... After all, this is a 21-year-old strapping young man ... He has not experienced life the way that I have ... But, if I am patient, God will surely grant my wish: that Ren is after all The One ... My soulmate ... Somebody who barely speaks English, has nothing much in common in me and not good-looking at all ... Do I care about all these things anyway? Like I said, the second relapse really changed my perspective, including finding a significant other ... I believe that in my heart of hearts, with recent events leading up to my meeting to Ren, are not coincidental ... This is an act of God ... God wanted me to meet him and get to know him ... All I need is patience, which if you have been following, you will know that is the one quality I lack ... But, I try my best, Insya-Allah ...
Oh, did I mention about the Other Girl? ... Yes, Ren and I may have become friends ... Yes, I may have Jodoh with Ren ... But, Allah wants to show me that while this is possible, only He knows what is best for me ... Another girl came in a day after me, and immediately he showed interest in that girl ... To say that I had not been hit by pangs of jealousy every single time I saw him talking to that girl in a rather intimate way (yes, while at work) would be a big f**king lie ... But, I am the mature one here, so I moved on ... But not the hot and heavy feelings ... Oh yes, I imagine making love to Ren countless times while furtively looking at him across the service floor while he is at the barista's or the cake counter ... I can't get enough of that cheap cologne he uses ... I imagine kissing him passionately and telling him how long I have waited for someone like him ... I think I AM IN LOVE, the operative word here being 'think' ...
So, like a week after I gave him that letter, I just couldn't hold back the hot and heavy feeling ... I had to let it out ... So, I asked Ren to come to a corner because I didn't want anyone to hear (but probably the whole restaurant crew knew already), and so with much difficulty, I told Ren that the letter I gave him was indeed a love letter ... That was all I could manage ... Shortly after that, he pulled me aside to a corner, and the stupid assistant manager had to be there as well, and he told me that he and The Other Girl were already an item ... I told him that I already knew this (but deep down I just didn't want to accept this) ... And that was it ... Was my heart broken? ... In a way, it did, but the pain was brief, like getting an injection ... You'd feel a slight pain, but after that, it was alright ... The assistant manager started saying things like love, like everything else in this world, is not real ... The assistant manager is into this bullshit Zen philosophy stuff, while I, as you know, am a Muslim who believes in Fate and Predestination ... I believe up to today that Ren and I were fated to meet, but only God knows the reason ... I performed the Solat Sunat Istikharah, and my heart told me to just express my feelings for Ren, and that's what I did ...
The point is, there are only three qualities that I look for in a man: Kindness (which encompasses all other positive qualities); Morally Upright and has Faith or 'Iman' in his heart ... The setback is that Ren is not a Muslim, and that is why, after performing the Solat Sunat Istikharah, my heart is telling me to be patient ... For God only gives His 'hidayah' (guidance) to those He chooses ... Yes, God wanted to show me that I had, or perhaps still have (never say no), Jodoh with Ren ... He and The Other Girl may end up with each other ... Then again, it may go the other way around ... What I am trying to tell here, with much difficulty, is never to give up ... I have come to a place in my life that giving out positive energy is so much more fulfilling than moaning on and on about the meaning of life, and that positive energy, my friends, comes from God ...
Maybe I'm in denial ... But, the thing is, right now I don't feel the way I might have felt 20 years ago had I expressed my feelings for somebody I like ... I guess what I am feeling right now is disappointment ... It is not easy, especially for a homebody like me, to find someone that I really like ... I don't go out and meet men at, I don't know, some f**king bar ... I only meet them in my endless job-hopping journey ... I think I mentioned about getting registered with a dating website, right, which 'robbed' me of quality money ...
You'd think why in the world am I putting all my faith in God? I think I've said enough about my faith ... I don't question, I just practise ... But, if you really want to know why I put absolute faith in God, it is because in His own way, He is guiding me to the Straight Path, and I have to believe that everything that has happened in my life, good and bad, has shaped me into what I am now ... So, Love has yet to come my way, which is why I should continue with my 'tawakal' towards Allah ... I have not given up ... I have hit rock bottom three times, and every time I re-surfaced, I am now stronger than I was the last time ... Is that not a good enough reason to believe in a Higher Power? ...
So, I guess it's back to daydreaming about Hollywood Hunks ... Come to think of it, Ren looks a little bit like Lucas Till ... So, here's looking at you, Lucas ;P ...
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