Posted 20 November 2006
Okay, I have to write something to prove that I'm still alive ... But the thing is, since my life isn't going anywhere at the moment, I have somehow run out of brainjuice to write ...
The thing is, I need to be inspired to write, and since there is absolutely nothing happening in my life where career or relationships are concerned, I can't be inspired to write ... But if don't write, I feel like I've sort of given up ...
It used to be that writing was an outlet for me to express everything that's inside of me ... But now, I find that I have to channel on something inspiring, to say the least, in order to write ... Apparently, my well of inspiration has dried up ... One could say that I'm going through a really rough dry spell in more ways than one ... God, I hate it when my mind is helpless and starts thinking about that ...
Firstly, I may without actually realising it, have committed a form of online thievery, in a manner of speaking, called inline linking ...
I've taken all these nice images, you see, from all sorts of sites, and copied and pasted their URLs on the my posts, the rationale being that these images are not mine but taken from such sites ...
Honestly, I do not intend to plagiarise these people's works, but I could see why certain people like my good friend Aimo would not take kindly to such goings-on since she and her friends have legitimate paid websites respectively, and people like me just simply take their hard work and put them on my blog, increasing their bandwidth, and them having to pay for me, a freeloader ...
Hence, I've made it a point never to take images from freelancer artists and such (in fact I don't think I could because most of them have put certain preventive measures, unbeknownst to an internet idiot like me, to ban such activity) ... Then again I may have done this ( refer to images on my post on cartoon characters ) ...
Well, well, well, what can one expect when yours truly also buys bootleg DVDs ... Yeah, like I'm the only one guilty of such crimes ... I personally know people who have downloaded all sorts of things, and I mean all sorts of things, from the internet, without paying ... What I've done pales in comparison to what these people have done ... So, why should I be made to feel guilty? ...
Actually, I do feel a slight twinge in that beating organ of mine because I always have this habit of putting myself in other people's shoes when it comes to trying to see their perspective ... (Aah, this is just me saying something good about myself, so that I could feel good about myself ... I'm just as pretentious as the rest of 'em) ...
I mean, what if I'm the freelance artist busting my ass trying to find a decent means of existence when some freeloader hack go and steal my work ... Sure, Brainjuice, like the rest of the human population actually care ... Who cares whether other people care or not, what matters is whether I care or not ...
So, moving on to my next point, is sex better with a Caucasian man, or with an Asian man? ... Heheheheh, got you there ... I don't know if anybody reads this, but this is my darn personal blog anyway, so I can write whatever I want!! ...
But I guess where sex is concerned, it's both personal and public knowledge ... In my case, personal means it's me and the person I'm involved with, and public means just about any form of opinion I have on this topic ...
The most I could say on this is that sex gets better with experience, that is only common knowledge, right? and it really does not matter with whom you're having it with, be it age, status, creed, colour, personal opinions, bank account balances, ... size ... Am I right? am I right? am I right ? ... Except personal hygiene, which matters to me, and I think to a lot of people ... And that is all I would share ... The rest I leave to the imagination of the blogosphere inhabitants ...
But going back to my question, while I was doing some, ehem, research on the topic, I came across this (for the lack of a better expression) cultural/social phenomenon called "Asian fetish" ... I find it interesting that I have yet to come across anything equivalent to "Caucasian fetish" .... 'coz frankly speaking, I think that's what I'm suffering from ... But for argument's sake, I would say I'm open to all (As long as he is caring, affectionate, and willingly want to spend the rest of his life with me, among other things)... Well, almost all ... Alright, call me a racist pig 'coz I don't prefer men of my own race, especially the typical ones ... Gives me the heebie jeebies ...
The thing about having sexual preference for a certain ethnic group is that on some level it does involve questions of racism, and let's be honest here, nobody likes to be called a racist ...
I have questioned myself over and over again, why do I find myself attracted to Caucasian men? It's not like they're all good-looking, or that all of them could string ten words or more in a sentence (No, of course not) ... It bothers me that every time I go to a place like KLCC, for example, and find all these inter-racial couples, and I sort of get a stab in the frickin' heart for some reason, and that drives me crazy ...
Maybe it's just plain ol' jealousy, but my point is, why should I be jealous? ... I'm not jealous when I see other couples ... It's just these inter-racial couples that drive me up the wall (Not really, only if they're a Mat Saleh guy with an Asian woman), to the point where I don't go to KLCC that often anymore (okay, another reason is because I'm trying to control my spending) ...
When I deal with this side of me, I often wonder whether I have really matured or not ... I know for a fact that I don't need a Caucasian man to validate my existence, I don't need a Caucasian man to tell me that I'm intelligent, I don't need a Caucasian man to look at me in a certain way to know that I'm attractive ... But for some damn reason, I find myself attracted to Caucasian men ... I'm only human *sighs* ...
Then there's the fact that I'm not at all attracted to men of my own ethnic group and I don't think it's because I find them ugly or unattractive ... Look at Fahrin Ahmad, for example - mmmmmm, hubba, hubba ... Once, while I was waiting for the LRT, there was this guy who looked decent enough ... Glasses on, simple t-shirt and jeans ... I noticed him before boarding but I didn't really look at him ... On the train, he sat next to me ... And then he spoke to me, and immediately I was turned off (No, he didn't have bad breath) ...
It wasn't so much his choice of words, but his tone and manner ... No, he wasn't lecherous, but he was simply a typical Malay guy ... It's really difficult to explain what I mean by typical Malay guy, but I think a lot of Malay women out there would know what I'm taking about ...
Then there was this time, again on the LRT (actually you get to meet a lot of interesting people on the LRT) where I met the Malay equivalent of Mitch Pileggi ... Yeah, he was balding, with glasses on, but he really did look like Mitch Pileggi ... Well, that was my first impression ... Anywayz, he kept smiling at me, and you could tell something about a person from the way they smile ... And before I got off, he smiled again at me ... And did I do anything about it? Er, no ... I'm kinda stupid about this sort of thing ...
I guess I would like to get to know the non-typical Malay guy, the kind of guy I could have an open and honest conversation with, we could talk about movies, among other things ... But you see, I'm just not attracted towards Malay men ... And like I've mentioned, it's not because of their looks ... So, there it is, why I'm still not in a relationship ...
The reason you're not in a relationship Brainjuice, is because you're stubborn, choosy and indecisive ... Or you just don't want to try ... You keep making up excuses for anybody who's a potential ...
In fact, the only reason why you think you only want to have a relationship with a Caucasian man is because it goes back to that side of human nature about wanting what you can't have ... What are you saying? That I can't have a relationship with, let's see, hmmmm ... Okay, while you're deciding which movie star you're gonna pick, let me remind you that it's the way you behave that's not going to get you any guy ... Have a little self-respect, BJ ... Damn, but what am I going to do about sex, then?
Update
It's more than 10 years since I wrote the above post ... A lot has changed since then, and some things haven't changed ...
I still commit inline linking ... Except now, organisations/individuals are much smarter ... A majority of them ensure that their images come with copyright ... I am still using their images without permission, but at least their work is recognized with the copyright statement that comes with the image ... I have, however, stopped buying bootleg DVDs ... In fact, I have stopped buying DVDs ... This is something I discuss in detail on my other blog ... However, I am still very much a freeloader ...
I have written two novels since I posted the above ... It goes to show that my well of imagination hasn't run dry ... It's actually because I need the motivation and inspiration to write ...
I'm no longer friends with Aimo ... I don't think I have talked about it ... Maybe one day I'll dedicate a post to her ...
Sex with a Caucasian man may only be good if I love and care about that person on a level that is more than just sexual attraction ... That is my opinion ... In fact, sex of that kind can be achieved with a man of any ethnic background ...
What I find that has changed over the years is the stigma surrounding interracial dating ... Now, there are sites dedicated to interracial dating, which I think is a good development ... I haven't tried any of these sites ... Not because I think they don't work, but more because I have sort stopped believing that I will ever find true love ... At 44, I am beginning to believe that maybe I am destined to be single forever ... I'm not trying to be a defeatist ... I just think I just need to be realistic about the whole situation ...
But of course I have registered at one site, I said so in my last post ... But, that account is there just for the sake of having an account ... I may check it now and then, but I am not doing anything with it ...
Okay, let's talk about my previous hang-up with Caucasian men ... I have tried to do some research on the matter, but only came up with this article on Psychology Today ... It says that in a Pew study conducted in the US in 2010, among Asians, 36% of females marry outside of their race compared to 17% of males ... What I am deducing from this stat is that maybe Asian women are more prone to marry those who are not of the same ethnic background ... It still doesn't say whether why Asian women are attracted to Caucasian men, or men of other ethnic backgrounds for that matter ...
What I can tell you is that maybe my attraction towards Caucasian men was the result of what happened to me as a child ...
My mother went to the States for a year when I was about six or seven ... She's shared her experiences over there with me over the years, but that's besides the point ... Her professor while she studied at the University of Columbus, Ohio came to visit us about a year after she came back ... Now, I can't remember much about this man, except that he was very tall and seemed very kind ... I remember him lifting me up and I found I could touch the ceiling with me in his arm ...
I'm thinking, maybe that experience left me with a sense of awe ... Like, "Wow, I feel safe and on top of the world in this man's embrace." ... You know, when we are children, it's always the experiences that are the most profound that will leave an imprint in the backs of our minds forever ... Maybe that is how my attraction with Caucasian men began, not to mention the years I spent growing up watching American TV shows and movies and seeing all those hunky American guys ...
Anyway, that is just me psychoanalyzing myself ... Who knows why one is attracted to another ... It could be chemistry, history, psychology, the list goes on ... One thing is for sure, I am no longer walking around in KLCC feeling frustrated whenever I see an interracial couple ... In fact, I don't feel anything anymore ... I have just become older and with that, comes a sense of not really caring ... But I don't want people to come away from reading this and thinking "Brainjuice doesn't care anymore" ... I still care ... I just don't want to think anymore about the state of my love life ... There are other things more important to think about in this world ... Like milkshakes and bananas ...
via GIPHY
Rogers: I may have a chance with Brainjuice ...
Stark: Not with that banana stuck up your ass you don't ...
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