This post is written some time after July 2009
Yeah, that's what the bloody f**king innocuous-looking orange pills make me feel ... I understood that I had a nervous breakdown, and need something to calm down my shattered nerves, but at the expense of my f**king sense of humour?? I should think not ...
For almost a month, I've been walking around like I'm on the set of the Living Dead, with no mood to watch television, no mood to daydream, no mood at all ... It was, really, as if I was dead, and alive at the same time ... Not that it help my sleep, 'coz Sleep has left the building I occupy ... I felt like somebody dropped an anvil right in the middle of my head, but instead of cracking the skull open, it sort of stayed and buried itself there, right in the centre ...
I supposed either the medication wrought all my synapses, into a tight ball of non-feeelingness, or that, as usual, it's just my imagination ... I happen to own a copy of Mental Illnesses for Beginners, or as such, so will check out what exactly is the effect this antipsychotic treatment in the form of risperidone has on me ....
So, I decided to fuck-up my dosage ... Instead of two pills per day, I'm taking one every night ... So far, it's working ... I even started to plan things again ... Despite what everyone's advised me to do, I will send out my resume the second I get the follow-up treatment on the first of next month, which is very soon anyway, instead of taking a long break ...
I'm gonna tell the doctor I don't wanna take this stupid medication again, and that I'm not a borderline delusional psychopath .... I may get paranoid at times, but those delusions of grandeur I had while the breakdown lasted, only occurred during that tormented period .... I swear to God I do not want to go through that ever again .... Two times is pretty much enough ...
What my brain needs, and only I know what I really need, is to occupy itself in mundane existential crap ... That is, my brain needs to work .... You know what they say, "An idle mind is the Devil's workshop" ... in my case, "An idle mind gives rise to quiet rebellion, amidst a sea of calm non-feelingness" ....
Update
And the third time's the charm ... Since the post above, I have had another relapse, making it three times that I had a psychotic episode ... So perhaps now is the perfect time to recount everything that has happened since 2009 ...
What happened was that ... Well, I can't remember it that well, but I stopped taking risperidone sometime early in 2013, and that about a year after that I had a second relapse ... Between 2009 and 2013, I suppose I was on risperidone, but I cannot recall what the dosage was and whether I was taking it regularly ... The reason that I feel like talking about this is because May 2019 is a dangerous period for me ... It was exactly this time five years ago and ten years ago that I had my relapses ... I cannot remember how long those episodes lasted, maybe between one to two weeks, but I swear to God that I never want to go through it again ... Like I said above, two times is pretty much enough, and I reiterate, third time's the charm ...
But, as evident in my post above, risperidone has side effects that I could do without ... However, I am not too sure whether the feeling of 'non-moodiness' that I went through was actually one of the side effects ... I do remember that two of the negative symptoms of psychosis are apathy and anhedonia ... The first is not caring about what takes place in one's life and the second is a loss of interest and pleasure ... From what I have described above, I think that that was what I going through, rather than experiencing the side effect(s) of the medication ... Risperidone does have an effect on weight, but more so does olanzapine ... After the second relapse, I was prescribed that and my weight ballooned to 68kg ... When I lost my job toward the end of 2017, I took up two jobs that was very physically demanding and hence I have lost some weight ...
More importantly, since my second relapse that occurred sometime in May 2014, I have been on medication ever since and have not tried to convince the doctors that I should go off them ... First it was 1mg, but it affected my menses, so I asked the doctors whether I could just halved it ... Now, I'm on half a milligram and it has stopped affecting that time of the month ... Up to today, I have been on medication for five years straight ... My sleeping pattern is erratic at times, but I am sleeping much better today than I did five years ago ... I learned a very important and excruciatingly painful lesson: my brain does not function like most normal people; I am on the schizo spectrum; above all, I can never be 'normal' again ...
I have been in denial all this while, but if anything, the second relapse pushed me into a place where I have to accept what I have become ... Although I still believe that I am not textbook schizophrenic, I have to accept that I am somewhere on that spectrum ... But rather than saying that I have a mental health disorder, I'd rather just say that I have a mental health issue ... It sounds less stigmatizing ...
The good news is that now I function quite well in society ... Although I no longer make regular contact with people I know, making it seem like I have withdrawn from society, I still make the effort of trying to look for a job, even though I feel the main reason I am still without one is because of my advancing age ... This is ageism and it is a form of discrimination and I feel upset about this, but this is the society that I live in ... Other than that, I ride a scooter and still am an excellent Malaysian driver (meaning I run through red lights when I see fit and occasionally sideswerve a motorist or two, even a pedestrian) ... I participate in social events if and when the occasion calls for it ... I read books ... I blog as usual ... I pat stray cats and feel sad for dogs that are abused ... I voted in the last election ... I completed a novel and am in the process of expanding on another ... I clapped and cheered when Captain America lifted Mjolnir in Avengers Endgame ... I have a crush on Chris Evans ... I laughed until my eyes watered when I come across something really hilarious ... I buy my own groceries and worry about that bloody government debt (the solution of which I am still looking for) ... If I had money, I'd buy something nice for myself ...
For all intents and purposes, I live my life like a normal person, but I know I am not one ... Maybe I am still in denial, but I think I am gradually accepting it as time goes by ... More than anything, it is a journey I am on until I draw my last breath ...
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