Anywayz, I just realized something ... Most, if not all, of my favourite movies have a predominantly male cast, and at least two of my previous entries are about looking for "the ultimate male role model" ... *sitting back and looking at the computer screen, thinking* ... What the hell ... I need to do a reality check with myself here and my blog is supposed to be my virtual leather couch ...
Okay, so here goes ... I obviously had a screwed-up childhood ... *sitting back and looking at the computer screen, contemplating* ... No, that's not it ... I had a childhood almost as ordinary as everyone else's, except during the crucial pre-teen to the teenage years, there was a lack of a strong male presence in my life ... So you see, pretty much the same as a number of people out there living their ordinary lives and trying their best not to let their past get the better of them ...
I guess I've been trying to look for that strong male figure, slowly getting the idea as I grow older that there is no such thing as perfection, or rather that perfection must also be complimented with imperfection because how else would you know if that something or that someone is perfect when you don't have all things imperfect surrounding them, which would explain why my favourite movies and cartoons and TV series have a predominantly male cast, they're immutable, unchangeable, cast in celluloid, frozen in time ... They're perfect, but they're not real ...
Update
Alright, first up, I have moved on from Leonardo DiCaprio ... Not to say that I wouldn't mind being married to him ... But, you know how a girl's mind work ... We're very flighty when it comes to fantasies of the heart ... Or maybe it's just me ... Anyway, it's a new Hollywood Hunk for me ... I'm not gonna say who it is ... Safe to say that he also has mesmerising eyes ...
Anyway, looking at this post, I know now for sure why I have all these fantasies ... I have built a defense mechanism ... Since I don't want to get hurt, I built my supposed love life on having relationships with men who are not able to hurt me ... Since actors in Hollywood are what they are: actors and are in Hollywood, they could possibly never hurt me ...
Now, if I start imagining that that person on the train, for example, could be interested in me, my heart will go "Yucks, he's not attractive" and so on and so forth (READ: Not a Hollywood actor) ... You see, that is how I protect my heart from getting broken ... I go for the unattainable, hence I am safe ... And forever be lonely ...
But, it's not that I'm not doing anything about it ... I've tried dating sites before, so I don't feel like having a profile somewhere ... Having said that, I thought having a profile at one dating site is pretty harmless ... But, I'm not going to upgrade the account so that I'd be able to send messages to all those strangers or see who has viewed me and all that ... That account is just for the sake of having an account ...
Nevertheless, I have been curious about Tinder, so very recently I got the app and put myself out there ... It's actually pretty encouraging ... I mean, firstly, I have a lousy profile photo, so I didn't think anyone would be interested in me ... But, as it turns out, quite a number are ... And I've gotten responses from a few who are not bad-looking ... Of course, I swipe left more than I swipe right, and quite a few I swipe left looked pretty decent actually ... I guess Tinder is all about first impressions, and that is why I thought I wouldn't get a lot of likes, but apparently I do, except I have to upgrade to see who has liked me ... Not going to do that, of course ... And of course I have to be careful ... Just because a guy appears decent, that doesn't mean that he is ... There is this one guy who turns out to be married ... But, I know how to lose a guy ...
Anywayz, I am not expecting any kind of relationship to happen, through Tinder or otherwise ... I'm just glad to be chatting with some of these guys ... It goes to show how lonely I am ... If any of the conversations I have lead to something, great ... If not, then that is alright, too ...
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