Hi, my name is Brainjuice, and I WAS a recovering junk food addict

Posted 05 September 2012

Image taken from: http://www.condenaststore.com

My exact sentiment every single time I go grocery shopping on Saturdays ... I would pass by or go through the junk food aisle, looking forlornly at all the snacks, while thinking, " How long can I go on like this?" ...


I should have kept a calendar, so that at least my goal of abstaining from potato chips, corn chips, nachos, bread sticks and God knows what else will be more attainable ... Now, I only have a vague sense of how my progress has been .... I think I have been junk food-free for about four months ... But, who knows, maybe it's less than that ....

Like most substance abusers, I started young .... Really, really young, like, maybe six .... The accursed Bai Roti always passed by my house come playtime during the balmy late afternoons ... And like the moth drawn to the flame, I was attracted by the bread vendor's colourful wares of assorted buns and snacks .... You know Chickadees, right? ... Well, that was one of the first snacks I sampled ... Of course, I couldn't stop from then onwards ... There was Twisties ... Then came Cheezels ... It's not like I eat three packets in one-go, but I would religiously buy them when the Bai Roti passed by every late afternoon ...

I'm not too sure why I'm addicted to snacks, probably because they taste so good ... How good is good, one should ask? Not sure really, maybe it's the combination of high sodium, monounsaturated fats and polyunsaturated fats with the dreaded hydrogenated and partially hydrogenated oils, more commonly known as trans fats, that does the trick ... Mothers in Malaysia would say it's because of monosodium glutamate, which is just a derivation of salt from amino acids ... Whatever the hell it is, these sort of snacks taste good to me ... I mean, really, really good ....

Strangely enough, I haven't developed coronary heart disease from eating too much of these snacks, which if it were the case, I may have not been alive to tell the tale .... Nevertheless, my addiction took its toll on my slight frame, so now I'm a bulging short person .... This is not an exaggeration, though partly my flabby figure is attributed to the medication I'm on ....

When I was 14, I became an anorexic .... I blamed one relative on this ... She liked to comment on my figure whenever she visited us, which explains my abhorrence towards relatives in general .... Of course, not all relatives are mean, but this is just what I'm like .... Anyway, because of that one relative's comment, I abstained food .... I can't remember what my crash diet was like, I mean, what I actually ate, but because of it, my weight dropped to a mere 35kg ... I was practically a walking skeleton .... My skin became scaly, my ribs were showing, and my eyes sunk in their sockets .... My mom used her usual threatening ways to get me eating .... Not too sure how my anorexic bout ended, but I gained considerable weight afterwards, so much so that I was back to my pudgy plump self when I was 16 ....

From then onwards, my weight yo-yoed throughout the years .... At one point, my weight was at the ideal 47kg, considering I'm about 5' 2", or maybe shorter ... But I did feel that I looked emaciated when I was that weight .... However, 47kg was really balanced for me, despite being a normal woman plagued by body issues .... Now, I'd rather not say what my weight is, but I've come to the realisation that I will never lose that much weight, considering my age and that I'm on risperidone ...

Back to my love of junk food, I don't think I can completely abstain from it .... My mom buys it for me now and then .... But at least I make sure that I don't buy it for myself ... Or else the addiction will start all over again ...

Update

And I have fallen hard off the junk food wagon ... It seems that in the last few months of 2019, I have descended into the ninth circle of Junk Food bliss ... There was even a period where I would eat a bag of Lay's chips nearly on a daily basis ... 

I think I can never not eat a bag of salty chips, or crisps if you like ... I just have to have my sodium fix ... This is what I have learned from the debacle that was my attempt at abstaining junk food several years ago (as evident in the post above) ... The trick here now is to have them in moderation, which isn't that easy ... Thank goodness Lay's is quite expensive over here where I am, or else I'd be buying them by the truckload ... 

I'm not sure, though, as to why I am eating junk food like I'm out for revenge ... Maybe it's a sign of depression, since I haven't had a steady job since end of 2017 ... But, having been through depression, I doubt that my need to eat junk food is because of that ... I think it's because I need to occupy my endless days of not doing anything that junk food seems like a mindless distraction ... Well, at least it's just potato chips and the like, and not fast food, or even sweet stuff ... 

In fact, as my sodium fix has become stronger, my need for confectionery has dwindled ... I will have the occasional dessert, but other than buying a packet of M&S' milk chocolate digestive, and having Subway's white chocolate macadamia cookie and a Kinder Bueno now and then or that white chocolate with raspberry from IKEA, I don't really eat candy or biscuits or cakes or cookies or anything that are sweet ... I used to love chocolate when I was young, or younger, but as I age, I just don't eat chocolate anymore ... I would probably treat myself to white chocolate now and then, but for some unfathomable reason, I just don't eat chocolate anymore ... Perhaps that could be the reason why it seems that I am depressed as I'm not having anymore chocolate because it stimulates brain cells to release dopamine ... But, maybe the real reason I'm not into chocolate is because of the medication I am on, which is risperidone ... Since I have been on it for more than five years, my love for all things sweet, chocolate especially, has started to wane ... Of course this is just me trying to find a scientific reason ... It could be also be psychological as some male members of my family are diabetic sufferers, so there is this innate fear of getting diabetes ... 

If that is the case, then how come I'm not worried about getting a heart attack ... There is also a history of heart disease in the family ... My cholesterol level has gone up ... In fact I should be getting my annual check-up ... I don't know which is worse: diabetes or heart failure ... Either one is just as bad as the other, so no thank you ... Maybe this should be the warning signal that I really need to watch what I eat because I'm not getting any younger ...