45 ... Wow ... I've lived nearly half a century ... It's not so bad if I had things my way, but a lot of really impactful events have happened in my life ... It's okay if I don't have the career I want, or the fortune I want, but I wonder ... Will I forever be alone in this life? ...
As a Muslim, I believe in an afterlife ... And if I die without ever marrying, it is said that I would meet my soulmate in Paradise ... That's a romantic thought, but I can't help feeling wistful about it ... I'd be lying if I said that I don't want to get married in the nearest time possible ...
The thing is, most married people I've met always say to me that it's better not to get married ... I guess it's wanting what you don't know ... Once you know, you realise that you're better off the way you were before you got married ... But you know, I'm willing to take my chances ... Happiness just doesn't happen on it's own ... If I want a happy married life, I have to work for it ...
I just want to know how it feels to share a life with a person ... Right now the person I share my life with is my mother ... It has more downs than ups, but I realize that living with a person, you need to get use to all their imperfections, just like they have to get used to your imperfections ... Living with my mother doesn't really give me the kind of practice I need to live with a husband, but it's given a preview of how things can be, and I think I can handle it, especially at the age I am now ...
So, imagine my great surprise when I did this one Buzzfeed quiz the other day ...
Prior to doing the quiz, I had a nap and dreamed that I was married ... Now, call that a coincidence, but for me, it's a sign of hope ... That I will get married in the near future ... My biological clock is still ticking, anything's possible, but I keep thinking that soon that clock will run out of time ...
If I reach 50 and still not married, I will have to abandon hope that I'll ever have kids ... They say it's dangerous to have a first child after 50, especially if I don't lead a healthy life, the kind where I take care of my body and all that ... I might have complications during pregnancy at such a late age, and it might affect the baby ... God forbid if something were to happen to the child ... So, I have made up my mind that 49 will be the year where I decide I will not have children ...
As for marriage ... Well, I still can get married if I was 65, but it will be just for companionship ... I don't think I want to get married at that age actually, because I think I will look back and realize that I miss out on having such a healthy love life and then I will grow being resentful and upset that I couldn't enjoy all that ... Sure, old people may still have sex, but it's not the same ...
I guess that in the end, all I really want is to get married as soon as possible, but I don't know whether I will meet anyone in the nearest time ... Ah well ... Time will tell ...
No comments:
Post a Comment