Well ... It's been another two years since my last post ... I haven't written anything substantial on this blog for the longest time ... I highly doubt it that anyone is reading my blog ... So that's that ...
What changed? I guess it has something to do with the fact that I have been at my crummy job for six years and have got nothing to show for anything ... Yeah I'm still at that bloody textile chain store and it's driving me nuts ... And yeah, my mother is still alive after three years since I've taken care of her ... So I am extremely unhappy at my situation ...
Until one night when I couldn't sleep coz and an idea popped into my head: Why don't I go back to Japan and complete my postgraduate studies ... I don't know, for some reason I just developed this idea out of the blue ... I have a couple of regrets ... Major ones that will remain unwritten ... Not completing my studies under the Monbukagakusho scholarship isn't one of them but the idea of returning to Kansai Daigaku just gnawed at the back of my head that night so much so that I'd lost some sleep, and we all know how sleep is important to me ...
The idea got me excited ... For the first time in what seems like eternity, I felt positive and we all know that I'm one incorrigible pessimist ... So after a night of fitful sleep, I woke up and started making a plan ... I wrote down three questions to ask at the Japanese embassy and that morning, I called up feeling a slight trepidation ... The first question I asked was whether the Monbukagakusho scholarship is still available ... The person at the end of the line said that admission is closed for this year ... I asked again whether it will be available for next year and the person replied so far yes unless they cancel the scholarship ... So I moved on to my next question which was whether there's an age limit ... The person asked me for which programme and I said postgraduate ... The age limit for that is 35 ... I said thank you and hung up ... I'm about to turn 51 in less than ten days so that's that ... Gone is my excitement at the possibility that I could pick up where I left off ... Needless to say I never asked the third question which was whether I could still study in Japan even though I had already received the scholarship and stayed in Osaka for two plus years ... Most definitely I won't get the scholarship ...
So I'm back at square one ... I'm about to turn 51 and I have nothing to show for anything ... So another thought came into my mind ... If I can't study on a scholarship, why don't I pony up some cash and study somewhere local ... I haven't done the math but the salary at my crummy job is only the bare minimum and my employer has slashed our commission and attendance allowance when minimum pay was increased by the government to RM1,700 about at year or more ago ... I have some money stashed away, given by my mother but I don't want to touch that ... Nevertheless, it accumulated simply because I didn't touch it for years ... So I withdrew that dividend (not interest mind you) and bought myself a laptop with which I'm writing this post ...
Anyway I wouldn't be able to study at a local U coz besides a financial commitment I cannot meet, I also cannot spare the time to go to classes as I have this crummy job that works shifts and on weekends ... I've contemplated doing my job part-time but that means I get less for my salary and that's a big no ... So that's that ...
But since I'm turning 51, I refuse to just accept that this is the end ... I don't know how long I'll live but before I come to my demise, I want to achieve something ... Sure, I've got my undergraduate degree but I want more ... I want to know that my life is worth living, that it isn't just a waste of time ... I have to do something that makes me look back in my golden years and say "Yeah I did that" ... I've self-published a novel but even that doesn't make me feel like I've done something ... I want to be a published writer, earn some sales at the bookstore, make my name known to people outside my tiny circle of acquaintances ... I just don't know how to do that ...
So, here I am, at some crossroads, thinking my next plan of action ... It used to be that I try to get another job, something that pays at least two and a half K and is flexible so that I can go to classes on the weekends and get that Masters degree ... No, tried that ... Local employers practice ageism and I'm discriminated by that ...
So, once again, where do I head from here? ... Nowhere apparently ... No, I have to think of something ... In the meantime, I have this brand new laptop ... I can surf the Net and find ideas on what to do ... I can complete my second novel even though it's not going anywhere ... I just have to have hope ...
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