2014 marks the 10th and fifth anniversaries of my first and second psychotic episodes respectively ... As the May-June End-of-Days period looms, I could not help but wonder whether this unusual increase of daydreaming activity at the workplace is something to do with that .... Maybe it's a five-year thing ... My brain just has to malfunction every five years ...
I don't know, it's been a few months already ... Actually, I think as early as September of last year ... Recently, I glanced through my Facebook posts and found one dated that month talking about job burnouts ....
The incessant daydreaming started sometime towards the end of last year ... What do I daydream about? Well, as I have a very active imagination, my daydreams are a complex labyrinth of intertwining thoughts, hopes, fears and basically dreams ... READ: HOT SEX WITH MEN I USED TO KNOW OR WANT TO KNOW .... It's getting ridiculous actually, to the point that I'm just up to here with the sickness and tiredness of it all ... No, not sex, I don't think I will ever get sick and tired of sex ...
Not that I'm having any ... Well, I can't have any anyway 'coz I'm a Muslim who is not married ... Before you gasp in horror at this, let me remind you, dear readers out there, that this is the lifestyle chosen by quite a number of people on this planet, regardless of their religious beliefs ... I don't have the stats to prove it, but I am pretty sure that there are people out there who are not having sex simply out of choice ... I also cannot speak for Muslims who do not abide by the Thou Shalt Not Fornicate ruling ....
However, what I am sick and tired off is the daydreaming of sex ....
It's come to a point where it is interfering with my work ... Seriously ... I'd be having hot and heavy thoughts right in the middle of work ... I can't concentrate ... I'm typing this up at work as we speak ...
Okay, so I'm not typing this up at work as we speak, but you get the picture, right? ... I've really no idea what is distracting my mind of late ... Tried all sorts of methods to concentrate at the task at hand, which is my job - Listening to music, stuffing on junk food, surfing on E!Newsonline to catch up on some belated gossip about who's who doing what's what, updating my blogs - Yes, all this while doing my work ... No, they're not working ... No matter how I try to distract my mind from distracting itself from my job, I find that my mind works best when I'm not doing any of the work I'm supposed to be doing at work ....
Actually, I think it has something to do with the job I'm doing ... The job I have is, by far, the MOST COMFORTABLE JOB IN THE WORLD .... Come August 2014, it will be exactly three years that I'm doing this job ... I am actually very proud of reaching this milestone, 'coz as you may well know, my track record in keeping to a job is not the most polished of records, based on my previous Blogger rantings on the so-called dream job ... But, as it is, I have decided to move on to better pastures and perhaps it is better that I do so ...
You see, I work at this small Finnish firm, which has an office in KL, that is involved in, shall we say, business news monitoring ... Funnily enough, the Finnish firm is bought out by another Finnish firm whose name is partially the same as my World Wide Web alter ego ... Maybe it's just God's way of poking fund at me ...
I'd rather not describe too much in detail about what I do ... Safe to say that I get tonnes of lengthy articles in the course of my job that seem to meander in their purpose and cause me to break my head against the wall, figuratively speaking of course .... But, that's not the main point of this post ... Let's just say that after two and a half years, my brain is practically drained because of the nature of the work that I do ...
Nevertheless, like I said, it is a very comfortable job, and it was not with an ease of mind and light of heart that I decided to quit, considering my track record ... But the job has become a chore ... What to me is a simple means of subsistence has become a means to an end ... And not a very happy ending, might I add ... I've just become flummoxed with the work itself ... More often than not, I'd be looking at an article, and re-reading and re-reading the article, to the point that I find myself looking through and beyond the article into the realm of daydreaming ...
I start to create stories for my co-workers fit for a Hollywood movie, like this one girl, who I don't really like, is actually the Devil in disguise and has come to invade the office with subtle, subversive manipulations until I was the only left standing to save the day by calling an exorcist ... Really, this girl is a complete mystery to me ... If there is somebody else present, she'd be all smiles at me, but I've bumped into her a couple of times when nobody's around, and the icy look she gives me really gives me the heebie jeebies ... It's like she's a totally different person ... So, you could forgive me for thinking she's the Devil in disguise ...
Then there's my team leader ... *Sighs* This one is a pain to explain ... Firstly, I'm not too sure whether I like him or not ... But, you don't have to like a person to work with them, right? ... Well, for me, I have yet to achieve that level of professionalism ... I do let my emotions rule over the things I do, to an extent at least ... And my team leader and I sort of had a falling out ... It's not like a serious one, but because of the tension created, I keep thinking that I'm some sort of a bother to him ....
Then, there's the office environment ... I'm not referring to the people in it, but the environment in which we are working ... The office is very quiet ... Now, some people can work in this kind of condition, but some cannot .... For me, it depends on the kind of ambient noise that forms in the background ... For example, I don't mind the sound of TV, provided that it's not too loud ... If two TV sets in different parts of a very large room, for example, are turned on and they are on different channels and the volume is too loud, now that turns me off, in fact it will get me pretty irritated ... If the two TV sets are on the same channel, that would even irritate me more as now there is an echo on top of all that noise ... But I know some people who can actually work through this kind of noise, in fact, sleep right through it ... The only noise you can hear in my office is the sound of the doorbell and of keyboard keys being tapped .... Nobody talks in the office, at least not much, unless they're in the pantry ... You could say it's not a very lively kind of environment to be in .... Only after two and a half years do I realize that everybody working in that office is pretty much lost in their own worlds while they are working, and that to me is an issue ...
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| The low point, or rather the high point depending on how you want to look at the situation, was this Monday .... I spent nearly the entire day trying to do my work, but I just got more and more distracted ... So, I figured I should use some actual distraction to get my distracting brain to focus on work ... It's a very ass-warped way of trying to solve my problem, but anything is worth a shot, right? ... So, I carried my netbook from the next room into my room, put in Red Heat in the DVD player and tried to do my work ... Why Red Heat, you ask? ... Since I've already watched it, I won't be so distracted to the point that I just continue watching the movie instead of my work, and because I just got the DVD copy for RM 4 at this jumble sale that Speedy Video had a few weeks ago ... No, this strategy did not work ... I did not do much work, and other than getting distracted by the naked titties in the opening scene, I did not end up watching Red Heat all the way to the end either ... |
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| So, I changed the DVD to the first SATC movie ... Er, let's just say that I watched more of the movie and did less of the work ... In the end, I did only about 11 abstracts for the day and I think about the same number the next day ... But, something happened the next day that was unavoidable, so I had a pretty much good reason not to get much work done for the day .... I dunno, it's getting really bad now that I seriously think they are going to fire me ... |
Then I discovered that people who came after me are performing well ahead than I am, which makes me feel even more left behind ... I begin to wonder about my editor, the one who passes my work and is basically the barrier between me and the next stage of promotion ... She's the type that has to be friendly and jovial with everyone in the office ... But, I remember instances when I asked some rather personal details, and she completely sidesteps them by talking about something else ...
For example, my editor had to undergo an operation to remove an abdominal tumour ... I think it was last year ... Weeks before the operation, she started sending out emails about the operation and the times we can visit her ... Although she did not specify whether her condition was serious or not, meaning whether the tumour was benign or malignant, which only could be found out after they did a biopsy on it, of course, she did give quite a detailed description about the whole operation, as in what would happen just before the operation, during the operation, and post-operation ... Now, I'm not too sure whether I'd be talking about all this were I to undergo some sort of operation, God forbid ... I'd rather keep something like this to myself, my family and my close friends, which are not that many, anyway ...
But, no, not this editor of mine ... She would tell you, describe to you even, all the details of her recent vacation, for example .... Of course, I'm not close to her, so she did not tell me everything ... But, really, a simple question about the guy next to her in the photo, and she completely sidestepped me ... So, I'm kinda scratching my head where my editor is concerned ...
To me, I cannot really trust this kind of person ... I mean, she's the opposite of me - friendly to everyone, but guarded at the same time ... I'm guarded with people I don't know at first, in fact I won't talk much in the beginning ... But, if I find a common thread with them, like movies for example, then I start to talk a lot more, and before you know it, we start to share personal details about each other ... I guess I have yet to find a common thread with my editor ... But, actually that's beside the point ... The point is, I feel that she's holding me back ... She changes almost all the headings I use in my abstracts, but don't bother to correct spelling or grammar mistakes ... I don't know, I can go on and on about the things she corrects and does not correct in my abstracts ... It could even take three days and three nights just to talk about that .... Btw, that guy turned out to be her fiance ... She could have just said that and left it at that ... I'm not completely clueless, y'know, I can take a hint if a person doesn't feel like divulging too much information about themselves ....
But, it's not all bad ... I found somebody I could really talk to in the office, and as it turns out, he's gay ... Could always trust a gay person ... I, of course, did not find out about his sexual orientation until we met up for coffee after work one day ... It so happened that I was having issues with my team leader, and I was in the pantry alone, and this friend of mine happened to walk in ... Then, we started talking and he said the words which immediately clicked to my emotions at the time, "There is something you want, but you just cannot get him to understand what it is, right?" ... Well, something to that effect ... It's like C, as he shall be known henceforth, is a woman trapped in a man's body ... He immediately tuned in to my thoughts ... That is why I love gay friends, and although it says in the Qur'an that people of the same sex who have sex with each other shall be condemned to Hell, that does not mean that I have to condemn them ... That's not my job anyway, that's God's job ...
Anyway, C and I started to gab about movies at the coffee shop, and that got me going of course ... Then he said he was gay, and I was happy that he said it, not because he's gay, but because he trusted me enough to actually be frank about himself ...
So, you see, there is at least one person in the office worth the time for me to go to the office ....
Anyways, I already made my mind about leaving, despite that the fact that there's C in the office ... It's not like I cannot keep in touch with him anyway ... Now working out some sort of arrangement that would be mutually beneficial for me and the management .... Hopefully, it works out well, God willing ...
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