And as unfortunate luck might have it, the fates decided that I should have a brand new crush ... It's another Hollywood hunk and it is not important who he is ... But, he has had an impact on my sleeping pattern as of late ... Every night for the last few days, I have missed much of sleep daydreaming about him ... What has gotten worse is that I believe him to be the man I met at Nice 22 years ago ... How could that be? He's a Hollywood actor, right? ... Well, 22 years ago, I believe he hadn't landed himself in Hollywood yet, so it is quite possible that he might be the one ...
But, the danger of believing this man to be the one I met all those years ago is that I'm setting myself up for a breakdown ... A sudden adverse reaction to a huge emotional let-down will trigger an episode ... I remember quite clearly the trigger that set off my last relapse and it was seeing that Scientology had sneaked its way back into my life ... I had an adverse reaction and it spiraled downwards from there ...
So, this time I'm having this crush and I've created this fantasy of this man as being the one I met at Nice in that summer of '97 ... I so very much want to believe that that is the case, but the logical and realistic part of my brain won't allow it ... It's quite possible that that part of my brain is the one that went haywire and all destructive ...
At the same time, I have been forgetting to take my medication ... Please believe me when I say that it is not intentional ... Believe me, why in the world would I want to fall into another psychotic relapse? It is the very last thing I want to happen ...
But, even if this man is not that man I met in Nice, I so very much want to meet him ... Crazy, isn't it? ...
So, the question is, what happened 22 years ago in the summer of '97 in Nice? That is between me and that man ...
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